It was a day before Nick's funeral. Debbie was on her way to our place and I was just trying to wrap my head around how I'm going to hold my speech without bawling my eyes out. I heard a knock on the door knowing it was her. I open the door and immediately get engulfed into a hug. I hugged back tightly as we both cried.
"I'm so sorry you have to go through this again."
I say.
"Oh honey, we're in the same boat. I'm really sorry this had to happen to you!"
"Debbie, he was your son, I can't imagine loosing a son, yet alone two."
"But Chantel, he was the love of your life. We both loved him to death."
She says. She came in and Valentina and Angelo ran to her.
"Nonna!!"
They both yelled.
"Where are my little grandkids! Guess who brought presents for you!"
She says. They start jumping around excitedly. I look at their happy faces and just wish they could be this happy forever. I really really wish for true happiness, but knowing the world we live in, that's close to impossible.
"Oh and Teddy, I got you something too!"
She says. Oh Debbie, Nick was just like her, always thinking about everybody
"Chantel, this is for you."
She says giving me a envelope. I got very confused.
"In here are some notes Nick wrote about you that he left at home in the begging of your guys' relationship. I was looking through Nicks stuff and found this. I though it would be really nice for you to have as a memory."
She says. I look at her and smile before hugging her. I walked over to the kitchen table and started reading them one by one.
"Oh, how lame isn't it to write a diary? There are thoughts lingering in my mind I just have to empty. Since I don't feel comfortable talking to anybody else about it, I decided maybe a diary, or let's call it a journal, would help. Who the fuck am I even explaining this to?
So, Chantel, this girl I met at the party a few months ago, the absolute best thing that has ever happened to me. All the time, every day, every hour, minute, second, she's always on my mind. Everything about her is so perfect, I can't find a flaw and I'm loosing my mind over it! It never feels right with any other girl, but with her there's just a different connection. Man, if that girl became my wife, I'd be the luckiest guy on earth. When she's around I get happier, the sound of her name makes my stomach erupt with butterflies and I wouldn't want it any other way. I'm so thankful I got to know her, shit is crazy!"
I read the letter and the tears wouldn't stop running. My breathing was uneven as I couldn't accept the fact that I can't give him kisses and hugs. He's all I ever wanted and more! I started reading the second letter.
"Duuuude! I can't believe this girl is real. How is she a literal human? Her eyes, this light hazel color that many people might find boring, but I adore them. When our eyes connect I just can't control myself, I want to jump on her and kiss her all over. She is so nice and cares about everyone. We just talked about how she lost her father and I'm can't even believe how strong she is. I want her to be all mine, and no one else's. Tomorrow is my birthday, she said she really couldn't meet up, which is a disappointment, because I really want to be with her, but I can't control her."
"So today my friends surprised me with a birthday party and Chantel was there!
She was probably the best surprise of the whole night. She's so amazing and uplifting. The best person ever to be around. In a few weeks she's gonna meet my mom! I can't wait. I might bring the notes with me and surprise her with them. So I can let her know how I really feel! This woman is gonna be the death of me. Chantel if you are reading this. I love you, I love you so much no words can describe it. I will always be there for you no matter what. Thank you for being yourself and thank you for having my back through thick and thin. You never judge me and always understand where I'm coming from. I can't wait to see what the future holds. Hopefully we'll grow old together, sitting hand in hand on our front porch as we wait for our grandkids to come visit. Damn, sorry for getting deep. However I just wanted to tell you that you mean everything to me. Much Love, Nick!"
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I just wish I could have him back. There is not one thing in this world I wouldn't do to get Nick back. I just wish he could walk in through that front door and we can keep living like nothing ever happened, but it's impossible. I just want him back. I kept crying and soon I felt arms wrapping around me. Debbie held the back of my head as my head was rested at her shoulders.
"How are you holding up my dear?"
She asks.
"I just can't believe it. He's not here anymore! I want to hold him and kiss him again."
"I know love, I know. This will not be easy, but you will make it, no matter what it takes."
"Thank you Debbie."
I say hugging her.
"Don't thank me. We all need some comfort."
