The Lost and The Found

Chapter 18: Unraveling

I sigh and rub my forearms. It wasn't just an error in my life.... it was a huge part of my life. It made history. It left scars. It bruised my mind. It left holes in my soul. And I'll never forget what it did to me. It has changed me so much. My mind is like a bruised blister and my thoughts are like death. I can't imagine anything worse. Scorching in hell doesn't even bother me a bit. I'd rather be there, then here.

"You're thinking." He says. "Thinking isn't what you need."

"Well it's the only thing I know how to do right..." I say softly.

Seth pulls me to his lap and holds me close, "darling everything's going to be alright." He cradles me close and whispers sweet things in my ear like "I'm here for you" or "everything will be okay" or "I'll save you." I curl up and quietly sob into Seth's untaken shoulder.

"I can be here for you." He whispers to me softly.

"No one was ever there for me." I cry, "why should I let you in when you could crush me into a thousand stars. I could just be the dirt you blow off your shoes!"

"More like the line of cocaine I shouldn't be doing everyday...but I'm stuck on it. It's an addiction."

"I'm the trash..." I heave slightly losing my breath, "that yo-o-u forgo-t to throw a-away." I sob through my words and choke on my desperation for love. "S-s-top play-ing me like...an instrument!" I cry out into his shoulder.

"I'm not leaving you." Seth says into my hair.

"How do I know you're not like everybody else...?"

"Don't assume. Don't compare. Not until you know." He meets my eyes with sympathy and something else, "I'm not leaving you. Not now. Not five minutes from now. Not ever. I will not leave you." Seth fights out.

He's sticking by me.

"Can't you see? I'm just the leftovers...the gum you.... you step on while walking. I'm nothing but a fucking worthless, pathetic child. Why, why, do you care so much about me?" I point out brutally.

He sighs and buries his head in his hand, "because," he frets, "I know what it's like to feel abandon, to feel worthless and pathetic, left for dirt. I know what it's like to hit rock bottom and feel like your never going to get back to the top." Seth squeezes my hand and runs his thumb on the center of my palm.

I'm speechless. I'm hurt. I start crying, softly at first but then the sobs gradually get louder until I burst into tears.

"Seth..." I cry harshly. He pulls me into his chest tightly and rocks me back and forth. "Sh." He says as he rocks us.

I let it all out. The pain, the hopelessness, my feelings. I cleanse myself of every wrong thought in my mind.

I work up the nerve to explain myself. "I have so many problems. Some manifested from other problems. And now, I'm just this screwed up person who can't figure out who they are."

"Kenzie, these are your high school years. This is the time to figure you out, to find yourself." Seth says.

I nod, "okay." I grab Seth's shirt and bury my head into his chest. I close my eyes for a minute and relax. Seth's arms snake around and hug me tightly. "What am I doing?" I whisper under my breath. I wrap my fingers tighter into his shirt. Seth's hands glide through my hair and run along my back.