The Lost and The Found

Chapter 16: The Struggle For Truth

I didn't hug him back. My arms just stiffened and goose bumps covered them. Breathing was hard, and every time I exhaled shakiness followed like a lost puppy. My ocean blue eyes widened.

My brother may have hurt himself, I screamed in my head.

I was in all out panic mode at the moment. When he pulled away all I could do was stare at him. We had eye to eye contact.

"Tyler.." I said scared. "Please.....don't be me..."

He knows part of my past, but not the worst of it. He doesn't know of the constant put downs, or the written words on my skin, or the burns, or even the terrible hair ripping process. He doesn't know of my consistent eating, or when I purge until I finally have no desire to eat. Tyler just doesn't know. I've been through hell, and I rather not watch him go through the same.

He stared into my eyes with almost what seemed like hurt. "Kenzie it isn't like that."

"Okay, well don't make it like that either. Tyler you're better then that." I sigh.

He grabbed my arm right around my wrist. "I won't be like that." He said.

"Can-" I sniffled, looking away, "..can I trust you?" Tears threatened to fall down my cheeks but I blinked them away. Seconds later they came back yearning to fall. As I wiped away the falling tears I held on tight to Tyler's black hoodie. I began to tug on the sleeves gently.

"Yes...you can trust me." He replied softly.

"Have you..." I gulped not wanting to know the answer, but I had to know. I wanted the truth whether it hurt or not, didn't I?

"Would it make you feel better if you checked for yourself?" He asked.

I nodded. He pulled away from me momentarily, reached for his sleeves and turned his arms over. I placed my hands on his palms and moved north, up until his elbows. He was clean. Fresh. No dirt on either arm. I sighed in relief, releasing the breath I never knew I was holding in.

"Tyler...if you ever need someone to talk to just talk to me. I may be your sister but I understand more than you think.." I mentally reminded myself about my scars. How hypocritical I am to tell my brother to come to me in his time of need, when the truth is I can't even handle my own problems.

I'm a mess. That's about the only thing I can admit to myself at the moment. Pathic. Reminding my self every detail proves that, along with the fact the I can't trust myself. If thoughts and words could kill, then I would be dead.

I silently laugh at the words tumbling through my head, then at the thought of helping my brother. I know I could never help, I mean I can't even handle myself.

He nods in comprehension. With a small, quick smile he looks away. If thoughts spoke for them selves...maybe I'd know the truth...maybe he'd know the truth. But as of not so long ago my thoughts and mind have been drowning me. It's terrible to know that that might be true, but I think it is.

As my thoughts begin to cloud my mind the phone rings. I don't realise it's mine until the buzzing in my hand grows harder. I lift the phone to my ear as the caller speaks. I didn't even check who called.

"Hey." the voice says through the speaker.

"Uh..hey.."

"It's Seth...I just...wanted to talk." He says quietly.

Oh god.

"Huh...oh...really?" I ask nervously. Why am I so nervous? You're going to get hurt, like you do every other time. My subconscious? says, hands on hips. My mouth talks before my brain can catch up. "Do you wanna met up and talk?"