idk if i can call this poetry

9:35am

you make me feel pathetic.

i think the reason you leaving hurt me so bad,
is because when i was with you,
it gave me something else to focus on
besides my absolute loathing for me.

now that you are gone,
i actually have to think about that.
whereas before i didnt have to.
because you would always distract me.

i think thats why
i wanted to be around you
all the time.

cuz you made me forget,
for a short while,
how awful i was.

instead, i always just thought about
how marvelous you were.
and how i loved you so.
and how i knew you'd never leave me.
and how i was the luckiest girl in the whole world.

but now
even staying up way too late with my cousins
and telling stories and laughing
i feel alone.

i feel like i keep myself a prisoner in my own mind.

and every fucking time i start to feel better,
i sneak back up on myself and
i tell myself that the world would be a better place
without me in it,
and that i have no hope because
every time i start to be happy,
something comes and steps on my stomach,
and there are 12 inch nails on the bottom of its shoe,

sometimes i feel like im fighting a battle

others i feel like happiness
is being dangled in front of my face like a thick cut of steak
and im the hopeless puppy that keeps chasing it
only to have it yanked away at the last moment. 

is it really fighting a battle if you always end up losing anyways?

but for some reason, i still look both ways before i cross a street

is it because i think you would be proud of me?

for holding on when its most difficult?

im not sure.
but i am getting really tired of almost being happy and then slipping back into this state of mind in which my ass is in my bed or on my couch because i have no motivation to even get up to drink some water or eat lunch,
not showering or brushing my teeth because its honestly just too draining of a task,
mom asks me what ive done today, what i have eaten today at 3:19 and i realize that i hadnt even noticed, but the answer is nothing.

the days slip through my fingers like smoke.

yesterday was such a good day, too.
actually, this past week was amazing.
what changed?
why am i so sad?
why do i feel this way?
why do i still hate myself so much?
why do i blame myself for everything that happened between us?
why do i keep telling myself that i wasnt good enough and i treated you much less than you deserve?
why do i keep telling myself that your best bet is to move on and forget about me because i am nothing?

i just dont understand
im doing everything right
im going out with friends
and filling out my self help books
and doing things i love
and writing a lot
and i guess i havent talked to craig in awhile,
but besides that i have done everything right

so why....?

why, after all this time

cant i just be happy?

i want it so bad.

i just want to be happy, and not wake up on random days feeling like the only cure to this ache is just to go back to sleep, or watch some stupid videos on youtube to distract me for another hour or two

i just want to feel good again

without there being a free trial