idk if i can call this poetry

12:56am******

an: i wrote this one like a week ago, maybe two. im doing better now but still wanna post it cuz im proud of it. also these are still just metaphors. i do not self harm. thanks

through laughing fits,
a girl with a hole where her heart should be
speaks to her reflection.

"i want to die," she tells her.

the girl in the mirror is crying.

"no," she says. "you dont want to die. you just want to be happy again."

"there is no happiness for me here," says the girl with the hole where her heart should be. "i have  done too much to too many people. i hurt everyone around me. i am nothing but a virus. i am a leech of all that is good. there is no hope left for me. there is nothing left on this planet for me. there is nothing, and i am nothing."

"please," begs the crying girl. "just stop this. i know. i know it's all true, but you want to smile. admit it, you want to be happy."

"yes, of course i want to be happy," says the girl with the hole where her heart should be. "everyone does. but at least i can see that i do not deserve it. i do not deserve the luxury of comfort and joy. you do not deserve it. you are a monster. you broke the hearts of people who loved you. you disgust me. you are the worst. you deserve to burn for what you have done. you took him away from me. you are insecure, and you let it destroy you. i hate you," she snarls.

the crying girl stops crying. she leans into the reflection.
she hugs the girl with the hole where her heart should be.
she hugs her tight.

"i cant tell you i love you, because it would be a lie," whispers the crying girl. "but i would love to learn how. because you do deserve love. one major mistake will not define who you are. you can love again. they might forgive you with time. and if they dont, then learn from your mistakes and move on. it will be hard, but it will be okay, darling.
it will be okay."

the girl with the hole where her heart should be cannot hug her back.
because
she has already given up.
she forgot how to love.
she doesnt want to learn.
she wants to let go.
she is tired of hurting everyone.
she is tired of feeling this way.
she is tired of hurting.
she is tired.

the crying girl has so much love to give.
she prays for forgiveness.
she makes chains of daises and waters them with her tears as the days pass by.
she counts each night as it slips through her fingers.
she talks to the moon.
she hugs her unicorn plushie.
she wants to smile.
she wants to live.
she is trying.

they watch each other in the mirror.

they are both so afraid.
they sit on the bathroom floor in silence.

the hole in the first girl's chest bleeds and soaks into the carpet. she cannot cry. she doesnt have the right to cry. she does not deserve to cry.
not after what she did.
so instead she sits there, still laughing.
she laughs at the misery she feels, and she laughs at the girl watching her from the other side of the mirror. she laughs at god.
she reaches to the other side and plucks the daisy chain from the crying girl's wrist. she tears it apart, one by one. she laughs at the destruction of something so beautiful and innocent.
she looks up, at the sky, and asks,
"why am i still here? do you find my suffering amusing, or is this my punishment?"
when she receives no answer,
just as she knew would happen,
she giggles and leans back.
she hits her head on the wall a few times,
just hard enough to leave a dull ache,
and then just sits there.
watching.

the crying girl does just as her name suggests.
she curls up on the floor and sobs.
she shakes and lets herself scream.
she is home alone so nobody will hear her.
she screams at the sky. she screams at her own hands. she screams because he is gone. she screams because she still sees his face at night. she screams because she wants to forgive herself. she screams because she wants to be okay. she screams because the girl with a hole where her heart should be is so mean, and wont let her forgive herself. she screams because she does NOT want to die. she knows that. she screams because she wants to kill this thing inside of her. this thing that makes her feel this way. this thing that is holding her back. she screams until her vocal chords give out.
and then she lays there, on the ground.
the girl with the hole where her heart should be almost feels sorry for her.
but then she remembers what she has done.
then she remembers that she deserves this.
the crying girl tells herself that she does not deserve this.
she tries to make herself believe it.
a few small gasps can be heard as she shuts her eyes and tries to fall asleep there, on the bath mats.

i open my eyes.

my throat is raw and i feel empty.

i sit up.

my head is pounding.

i stand up and put my hands on the sink.

i look up at the mirror.

i see only myself.