Breathe Again [MEDICAL MYSTERY #1]

CHAPTER 16: Set the Date

A/N: 

Trigger warning! 

This chapter may trigger traumatic episodes, visual hallucination, and depressive episodes. Please read at your own risk.

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WHILE sobbing so hard, I saw Azriel continuously knocking on the window of my car. Nakatingin lang ako sa kanya habang tuloy-tuloy ang pag-agos ng mga luha ko. At bigla kong naalala lahat.

I remembered Jane's notebook. It was her diary actually, at doon nakalagay lahat nang mga nangyari sa kanila ni Azriel, pero binalewala ko lang iyon. Pinunit ko lahat ng may pahina na may nakasulat na tungkol sa kanila.

I pretended that I did not read everything. I pretended that I have no idea who the owner is. I create my own scenario in my mind that it's just a creepy notebook with weird selections. Hanggang sa napaniwala ko ang sarili kong wala akong alam sa nangyari kay Jane.

When all along, I knew everything.

Nagbulag-bulagan ako...dahil lang sa pagmamahal ko kay Azriel. Dahil sa totoo lang, biktima lang din siya.

Azriel loves me. Ramdam ko iyon. There are moments of aggressiveness and wrecklessness, but I know it's just a byproduct of us being fucked up, though I know it's not a good excuse. Alam kong behind all of this, mahal niya ko.

I looked at Azriel...and I looked behind him. I saw Jane looking desperately at Azriel. I know now that she's not real or ghost, or anything. I know now that she's just a product of my mind.

After reading her diary, I created my own Jane in my mind hanggang sa itinuring ko na siyang totoo. I wanted to seek for help. I wanted to go to a psychiatrist...but I can't. I'm scared. I'm ashame of myself, dahil kasalanan ko rin naman lahat ng 'to.

I wanted to extend my hand to save myself from drowning...but I can't, because I'm sure that no one would be willing to reach and pull me from this abyss.

Unti-unti kong ibinaling ang tingin ko sa suot na relo ko at tinanggal iyon...at tumambad sa'kin ang ilang marka sa pulso ko. I tried hurting myself for so many times. I did that not to kill myself, but because I wanted to feel something. I'd rather feel pain than feel nothing at all.

I gave Azriel one last look before I drove away. Gusto ko sanang magpakalayo-layo ulit kagaya nang ginawa ko noon pero ayoko na. Kailangan kong umuwi sa bahay para makapag-aral, para hindi biguin si Mommy.

I don't want to be her another disappointment.

Kahit gaano kahirap, gusto kong labanan 'to.

I DECIDED to take a rest first pagkarating sa bahay, sinet ko na lang ang alarm ko and saka ako magre-review. My mom's not here anyway, she's out of the town, she's in Baguio having conference at baka sa Sunday pa ang balik niya.

But before my alarm could even wake me, I felt an arm on my waist and it woke me up. It's Azriel's arm, he's spooning me. Nakaunan ako sa isang bisig niya at ang isang kamay niya ay mahigpit na nakayakap sa bewang ko. His face is buried on my hair.

Ni hindi ko namalayan ang pagdating niya.

"Azriel..." I whispered.

He just groaned and pulled me closer. "I'm sorry for barging into your room," he whispered on my hair.

I slowly turned around to face him. "Azriel."

Marahan niyang hinaplos ang ulo ko at nilaro ang buhok ko. "How are you feeling now?"