Breathe Again [MEDICAL MYSTERY #1]

CHAPTER 18: The Audacity

Trigger Warning: suicidal ideation

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I WOKE up with my mom beside me, hugging me tightly. I suddenly remembered what happened last night, how she took care of me the whole night. She wrapped a towel on me when she found me crying under the shower. She clothed me, dried and combed my hair, and put me to sleep while my head is on her lap.

Nirespeto niya ang desisyon kong 'wag magsalita at magpaliwanag. What am I gonna do without my mom? I hugged her tighter with the thought. I was succumbed in the idea of dying, without remembering that I still have my mom with me.

"Good morning, my Angel," she greeted. Marahan siyang bumangon at hinaplos ang buhok ko. "How are you feeling now?"

Bumangon na rin ako at sumandal sa headboard ng kama. "Better po. Thank you, Mommy. Thank you for taking care of me. Just...thank you for being my mom."

Tipid na ngiti ang binigay sa'kin ni Mama, pero malungkot ang mga mata niya. Hinaplos niya ang buhok ko at isinabit sa tainga ko ang mga hiblang umaalpas. "Anak, may gusto ka bang sabihin kay Mommy?"

Madami po. Sobrang dami kong gustong sabihin. Sobrang dami kong gustong isumbong. But I don't wanna be a burden. I know she's been also carrying the world and I don't want to be her another baggage.

I shook my head without looking on her.

"Angel, anak." She let out a deep sigh and cupped my face. "Mommy saw kissmarks on your chest. I also saw a bruise on your arm." Her eyes watered and forehead creased. "Did Azriel do that to you?" she asked in a really calm way.

"No, mom." I spontaneously shook my head. "It's impossible. Azriel is taking care of me, I promise."

"Kung hindi si Azriel, sinong gumawa sa'yo niyan?" Her tears completely streamed down her face. I hate seeing her like this. I told myself that the last time she will cry again is the time our dad left us, yet here she is, crying now because of me.

Ilang tao pa ba ang sasaktan ko? Ilang tao pa ba ang magdudusa ng dahil sa'kin?

Hindi ako makasagot, ni hindi ko magawang tignan siya sa mga mata.

"Anak, you can tell Mommy everything. All your wearies and fear, your problems, your whole life, everything that bothers you. I may always be busy, but I'm always just one call away if my Angel needs me."

I finally looked at her.

"You can trust me, Angel." She caressed again my hair. "Sinong gumawa sa'yo niyan, anak?"

Isa-isa ring nagbagsakan ang mga luha ko. Halo-halo ang nararamdaman ko ngayon. Takot na baka kamuhian ako ni Mommy, lungkot dahil sa kinahinatnan ng buhay ko, at galit para sa sarili ko. It's like I don't deserve any good in this life anymore.

Tumungo lang ako at paulit-ulit na umiling. Natatakot ako sa magiging reaction ni Mommy oras na malaman niya ang katangahang ginawa ko. I'm scared that once she finds out, she'll blame me for everything, kahit pakiramdam ko ako naman talaga ang may kasalanan ng lahat.

"Angel..."

Mom was cut off when my telephone rang. Siya na ang sumagot niyon. It was yaya who's calling, nasa baba raw si Azriel.

"Gusto mo ba siyang makita? Or should I tell him to give you space first?"

"It's okay, Mom. I can talk to him."

"Okay. Fix yourself, I will entertain him first. Basta anak, kung may problema ka man at handa ka ng pag-usapan, sana ako ang una mong sabihan at hindi ibang tao."