Her Name is Memory

28| black hole

Chapter 28

No one talks about the shock that comes with grief
Or when the shock strikes you down 

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"THAT'S YOUR MOM?" I sputtered, trying to process what was happening right now. "Jesus fuck." 

I stared at her, looking at her blue eyes, trying to find some truth. She looked up like she wanted to say something, but she remained quiet.

I didn't expect to find Rose but this wasn't how I expected it to be. 

"Is she involved in all of this?" Elise asked quietly, her voice shifting to a higher pitch.  

She pushed herself from me, kicking off the blanket from her dress. Her breathing got heavy, and she was looking at me with shock.

Not tonight. This couldn't be it.

I didn't expect to find Rose, especially after everything. Now my mind is running with a hundred different questions. And Elise could be key. 

"Can you tell me about her? I need to know right now," I gritted through my teeth, my eyes stinging with tears and my thoughts haunted by Mom. 

"Like what?" Elise asked warily, watching me with concern. 

This was it. This was after searching for a sign of Rose all this time. Now I know who Rose was and the confusion on Elise's face, I felt the urge to curl up into a ball. I needed to know about Mom. The mother who has done everything for me her entire life. The mother who killed herself. 

"Have you heard of your mom talk about someone named Anita?" I managed to ask, my voice cracking at my mother's name. 

Elise shook her head. 

"No." 

No. No. No. 

I was breaking down. Probably wasn't there to begin with and I was living a carefully crafted delusion that was falling apart before my eyes. I needed Elise to tell me more about Rose.  

Everything was burning. Vomit was searing the back of my throat, and I wanted to be held but also be alone. The contradicting feelings were swirling inside me like a hurricane. Destructive and violent. 

"Elise. Please think carefully," I asked, reaching for her shoulder to feel her warmth and ground me from my own insanity. I held her, and I saw her face morph into pain. 

"Nate, you're hurting me," Elise whimpered, crouching forward towards me. Realizing my grip was paining her, I immediately let go and kept my now trembling body back. I kept my hands in fists under my leg to fight the urge to grab her. 

I looked at Elise, her breathing going heavy. One hand was gripping the pick up truck while her other is on her chest. She wasn't looking at me, her eyes squeezed tightly. I wanted to know what was going through her mind but the pain in my chest was blinding. 

"She died when I was five. I don't know a lot from her," Elise whispered softly, her eyes still closed. 

She closed her eyes but mine were wide open. Every time I blinked, I saw a memory of Mom that accumulated more pain throughout my entire being. I hated it. 

I hated her for doing this to me. I hated myself for letting her die. I hated everything. 

"Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck," I said, my voice getting louder with each word. I hit the side of the truck in frustration. Elise visibly flinched at a sound.