Her Name is Memory

34| dead inside

Chapter 34

I know it was you who died
But why do I feel like the ghost? 

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"HAS ANYONE EVER TOLD YOU THAT YOU LOOK CONSTIPATED, COMPA?" Esteban asked over Facetime, watching me get out of bed. 

I gave him the middle finger. "Te ves borracho, cabrón," I muttered to myself, reminding myself that he looks like a drunk asshole. 

It's been five days since we have spoken to each other besides an occasional text. Since then, I have been moping around, playing music, and running to distract myself as much as I can. 

Somehow, Esteban looked worse than I did. His eyes were rimmed red and his hair was in a buzzcut rather than his slick hairstyle. The haggard look on his face, along with his crumpled clothes, made me look like I was having the best day of my life. 

"Cállate. I have a ranging headache at this moment. It's called a bad hangover, dick," he joked, laughing painfully. 

"That happens dude."

I saw his mouth twitch into a sympathetic smile. "How are you feeling, Nate?" 

I nodded slowly, though I felt awful inside. I rubbed my tired eyes. 

"Are you sure?" he asked again.

"Why do people ask me this? We both know I'm not," I muttered. I filled Esteban in on what happened in my life the past few months from Rose, to David, to Elise. Watching's Esteban's reaction to what happened reminded me that this wasn't normal. 

I couldn't sleep last night. I thought that I finally broke my insomnia before it made its strong return. If it was anything, it only came back with a stronger force. I managed to only fall asleep for a few silent moments out of pure exhaustion before my eyes forced themselves open.

I couldn't stop thinking about everything that happened. I debated whether to confide in Carlos what happened, but it was too much to process. There were so many questions that I wanted to figure out. Even if I had the answers, Esteban would have understand more than my own father, who was too busy working to see what I was a mess I was. I am pretty sure Carlos also was depressed himself, though he wouldn't confide no matter how many times I tried to make him open up since our conversation about Mom.

"You have my full attention, Nate," Esteban said softly. "Is there anything you want to talk about?" 

I thought about everything, trying to narrow it down to the most painful feelings I could put into words without rupturing my entire being. 

"Do you think it's possible to save someone?" I asked him. 

He paused for a moment before sighing. "I guess it depends on whether that person wants to save himself first," he responded carefully, watching my reaction. 

Did Elise want to be saved? 

No. She wanted to wait there, and I have been steamrolling her voice because I couldn't handle what she was doing. 

I was an ass to her. I knew I was a jerk in the car, but I knew if she kept it away, our relationship would've crumbled. It just festers until the foundation rots and collapses in itself.

Isn't that what is happening anyways? 

 We haven't spoken in a day, and it was driving me crazy. I wanted to text her to apologize for being an ass and proclaim I was wrong. That I just wanted her with me. That all I cared about was her safety.