Her Name is Memory

26| anxiety manifesting

Chapter 26

I spent my time lying awake in the dark
Can't live my life or the truth
Because I can be there for everyone except for you

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

"WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO THIS TIME?" Carlos asked me when I entered the living room.

I shrugged. "Just seeing friends," I lied easily, a habit I have gotten into when I was off to see Elise.

Carlos and I reached a routine after his return. Most of the time it was silence as I was out working or hanging out with Elise or David. We didn't speak about Mom after we had our awkward confrontation. I couldn't hear about Carlos moving on from Mom, leaving her behind like that. She deserves immortality, something more than being a reminder of the past.

He was angry at what she did. I was just sad she was gone.

"You're dressed well for once," he said from the coach. I looked at my white cotton shirt, dark jeans, and leather jacket covering my arms.

"I always dress like this," I responded lamely, darting my eyes away and focused on putting on my shoes again.

He didn't know about Elise, and not something I wanted to share right now. Not until I knew what was going on with her. It was gnawing at me when I see the hazy look in her eyes.

That was why I had a plan.

"I have never seen you wear a leather jacket since I have gotten here," Carlos snorted, flipping through the TV channels.

"Well that is in case if it gets chilly," I said, tying my black shoes. It was my favorite leather jacket from home and it made my arms look good. I watched Carlos frown at me before rolling his eyes.

"Whatever you say," he said. He lowered the TV volume and turned to look at me. "Hey. I need to talk about Dad. I think something is up with him," he asked.

"What does that mean?" I asked.

"Do you know where he is?" Carlos asked slowly.

I shook my head. "He's not here?"

"He hasn't been here for most of the day," Carlos pointed out, gesturing to the empty house with no care in the world. "Do you remember when we had family dinners and actually went out to do things together?"

I pulled back a pained smile. Mom was the one who organized these things together. Always planning the next adventure whether it was the beach or even a new store down the street. When she got sick, I watched the foundation of our family slowly crack and eventually the fissures collapsed when she died.

At times, it felt like my family were strangers to me.

"Yeah. Mom was the one who usually planned those types of things," I said softly, thinking about her. I thought about her, feeling the dull pang.

"I still think something is up with Dad," Carlos said out loud, his face morphing to concern.

"Why are you saying that?" I asked.

"He said he's at work but his work briefcase is over there," Carlos observed, using the remote to gesture to the Dad's worn, leather brief case that was sitting on the spare chair. I frowned at the object.

"It might be something minor," I suggested. It's just a brief case, but the comment felt weird in my mouth. Carlos nodded his head uncertainly, obviously not satisfied with my answer.

"Maybe. I don't know, we moved fast-very fast. Moving to a house takes months, but ours happened so quickly. Literally a few weeks after she died. No one mentioned moving before," Carlos further elaborated, rubbing the side of his head.