Her Name is Memory

33| cloudy eyes

Chapter 33

I woke up alone today
But this time I knew you were not going to be around

~Nathaniel's Lyric Journal

SOMETHING WAS BOTHERING ELISE TODAY. 

It became easier to recognize the signs as we continued to spend more time together. As if I was checking the weather, her eyes told me everything I needed to know. All I had to look was for the shine or the storm behind the eyes. 

Right now, it looked cloudy, which is the most challenging. It can mean a tornado is about to run through our relationship or that it is just simple clouds that will eventually pass for the sun to come out again. I started to learn that I never knew what the hell was going on, where it can go from make out sessions to awkward silent, but I knew deep down that it will always end up with her in my arms. 

That was when I realized how fucking soft I have gotten. 

"What are you drawing?" I asked her, watching her lean back against the same tree and the worn sketchpads. 

She stopped her drawings to look at me. 

"Take a look. It's a little rough," she said, angling her sketchpad to show me. My eyes widened at the image. I loosened my grip on the guitar at the sight. 

"Wow." 

It was me-well not me, per se, but my guitar and my notebook. It was driven with elegance, beautifully detailed with the faint lines running over its body to the scratch that that was caused when my guitar bumped into my bed frame a few months ago. The notebook was wide open, with musical notes coming out of the page. 

"What's wrong, Yankee?" Elise asked, even using the nickname to soothe keep it light hearted though I knew it was strained. "Is it that bad? I know it's early on, but-" 

"No it looks great," I interrupted her before she took it wrong. "I just look peaceful." 

It felt like a lie to see me relaxed, when I knew it was nothing beyond that. 

"You make me peaceful," she said shyly. Any clouds in her eyes disappeared, and I smiled. 

I pulled myself up to sit next to her and leaned in for a kiss. 

"I'm glad," I said, my breath falling over her lips.

I crouched back to my spot by the tree, and picked up my guitar like an old friend. I played some tunes that were running through my mind all day that was dying to slip out. I tested some chords before I hummed a tune that I thought would go well.

"You should sing out loud," Elise observed, a hand landing on my leg.  "You've been humming like crazy today." 

"Oh yeah. I guess I don't really sing out loud," I commented. "I do jam sessions with David though and that was fun." 

Before the fight, we started to hang out more and jam out. This time, I tried not to hide the fact that I sing like I use to, and it was liberating in ways I didn't realize. Since the fight, I haven't even texted him. 

I should've texted him but I was so angry at myself. I was normally in control. I didn't get angry like this. I didn't always feel like I was loosing my sanity, but during that moment with Elise and Mom, I felt lost. 

"You should sing for me" Elise said softly, her fingers still on my leg. 

"Do you have anything in mind?" I asked, propping my guitar up. 

"Whatever comes to the heart," she responded. She gave me a smile that melted me. "I know you write songs for the past while but only if you are comfortable."