Vasquez Series #2
Iesu grew up in a family of high-achievers and was constantly surrounded by pressure to succeed. However, he never let this pressure get to him. Instead, he developed a laid-back and easy-going personality that quickly made him one...
DISCLAIMER: All of my stories are purely fictional. Any resemblance to a person, living or dead, a place, an event, or another fictional story, is purely coincidental.
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From: Unknown Number
: It seems like you're not interested in talking to me anymore. I've been waiting for your replies for hours.
: you don't even bother to ask buhay pa ako o ano ginagawa ko?
: You left me asleep on the couch. Fuck you.
Those were the messages I remember right after our heart to heart talk. Ang tagal na ng message na 'yon but it still hurts. Paulit-ulit na nag re-replay sa utak ko mga mensahe nabasa ko.
"Hey, are you okay?" he asked, patted my head. Hindi ako kumibo. It was at this moment that he knew something was still wrong.
"Okay na," saad ko, trying to remain my calm. Alam ko matagal na 'yon pero hindi ko maiwasan isipin bakit kailangan niya itago.
He held me in a tight embrace. I wanted to rid myself of all doubts, but the thoughts that entered my mind were overwhelming. At this moment, his warmth brings me a sense of peace.
"Shh, I'm so sorry," he kept saying sorry kahit wala siyang ginagawa. He just confessed everything.
"And thank you," he whispered, leaving me wondering what he was sorry for.
"For what?" I asked.
"Kapag galit ako, mas galit ka." biro niya bago tumawa.
The last thing I knew, we were no longer hiding in a shadow. It felt like I had been forced to keep my true self hidden from the world, afraid of the consequences if I were ever discovered. That moment marked a turning point in my life, a feeling of pure liberation, as I finally felt able to breathe after being suffocated for so long.
"And at least for once, I can call you mine."
That was the last thing I wanted to hear from this man. I couldn't bring myself to look at him as he spoke, I felt a wave of sadness because it feels like good bye.
And suddenly, everything is not the same anymore.
Naglakad ako mag-isa papasok sa school, nakita ko si Zi pero hindi niya naman ako napansin. I refused to call her kaya umiwas ako ng daan. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ako magiging ganito. I'm failing everyone.
Today is my birthday pero hindi naman ako masaya. Wala akong gustong hilingin ngayon kun'di ang maging okay ang lahat. Napapagod na kasi ako sa ganitong set up.
"You really have the audacity to say those words?" he asked, filled with a mix of disbelief and possibly anger.
Wow, this is bizarre. Like shit, I don't know how it ended up like this. Paulit-ulit ako ginugulo ng isip ko sa nakaraan. Leche naman, hindi ko na alam paano pa aayusin 'to.
"Zi, sorry." I sobbed, pleading for her forgiveness.
She's holding her pencil pressing it so hard, trying to hold on the tear that started to fall on her eyes. Binaba niya ang lapis na hawak niya. Hinawi niya ang buhok ko bago ako niyakap at kasabay no'n ang paghagod niya sa likod ko.
"Shh, naiintindihan ko. Are you feeling guilty?" She asked, and as an answer, I nodded. Sobra, sobrang guilty ako, "pero alam mong tama ginawa mo?" dugtong pa niya.
"Hindi. Hindi ako sigurado," I wiped my tears," "nasasaktan ako."
I know mas nakasakit ako. Ang dami kong palpak. Hindi ko alam paano magsisimula ulit. I just want to be honest pero bakit naman ganito ang naging consequence ng pagpapakatotoo? Umiyak nalang ako nang umiyak. This is the reason why I do not deserve these people.
Pinunasan ko ang luha kong unti-unting natutuyo. I looked at her, she's smiling. Grabe pala talaga, hindi ko ma-imagine kung anong bigat na nararamdaman ng mga tao sa paligid ko dahil sa'kin. I'm so selfish.
"Alluka, I'm so sorry." I just feel wrong calling her Zi.
She tapped my shoulder and smiled again, "Okay lang. Sorry din if I'm trying too much."
"Hindi sa gano'n. Ako ang may kasalanan."
"No, Nayah. Okay lang naman, I know my place," she said in a soft voice, trying her best to hide any signs of sadness and disappointment.
I just took a deep breath. After no'n ay tumayi na siya at nagpaalam na uuwi na. I'm sure na kinabukasan, hindi na kami katulad ng dati.
Napasabunot nalang ako sa sarili ko. Nabasa na ang luha sketchpad ko. Habang nakatitig sa ginuguhit ko, naalala ko yung sinabi ko noon kay Lianne.
"Huwag kung anu-ano ang iniisip mo d'yan! Babayaran niya ako dito kaya ko 'to ginagawa."
God, I'm scared, I'm almost losing them. I can't bear the thought of losing the people I care about the most. Hindi ko naman gustong mapunta sa ganitong sitwasyon e, pero alam kong kasalanan ko, kasalanan ko lahat. I'm so pathetic for trying hard to be someone else.
I'm scared to fly with my own wings, so I've been relying on others, too afraid to try. The fear of taking off on my own has paralyzed me and it's taken a toll on my emotional well-being. It's not just about the fear of flying solo, but rather the fear of not living up to my own expectations and the expectations of others. I've been hiding in someone's shadow, following them and remaining dependent. This is my fault.
All this time, alam kong may kulang sa parte ko na hindi ko mabuo-buo.
