Star Wars: Jedi Fallen Order | Cal Kestis x Reader

Part 4

   You were fatigued, as if every bone in your body had turned into cement and as if you were chained down to your bed. It had always been hard for you to get up and face the word after the Republic fell, especially now that you had gone off on Cal in front of everyone and had to be scolded like a young child.

   You groaned remembering what you had done, rubbing the exhaustion from your face you sat up. Even that had become difficult for you to do. Ever since you had shut out the Force and refused to use it, you began to spiral. Everyday becoming worse and worse. The fact that Cal had come along and became Cere's new favorite, didn't help. He was everything you were supposed to and wanted to be. You were just a failure, a shame and a disappointment and by taking out your insecurities on Cal you had just cemented your role as that. You'd never be to Cere what Cal is, you'd just be the second choice, just there. If anything you were the BLOB, the bantha fodder, taking up necessary space. Even BD-1, a small droid was more useful than you were, why not just leave, you thought? Oh who were you kidding, you needed Cere and Greez to survive, you had become attached to them.

   You chuckled to yourself. You were born on Coruscant for Maker's sake! You endured and witnessed so much corruption and depravity after the Republic fell. You watched as so many of your soldiers, fellow padawans, and masters were executed in cold blood after Palpatine executed the order that would change the course of the universe for ever. After being hunted down like an animal by your own soldiers, fled to some random planet and became some lowlife scum among smugglers and thieves, now you needed two random people to survive? It was unbelievable to you that you had managed to lie and cheat your way through life and became a very feared person on Numidia Prime, but then you met Cere and Greez. Who, with a few pleas from Cere, managed to turn you into the biggest teddy bear in the universe. If your old colleagues could see you now, they'd laugh and rob you blind on the spot.

   Suddenly a knock at the door pulled you from your thoughts, you felt your stomach drop and your blood run cold. You hoped it was Greez and not anyone else. You couldn't face them any time soon. Feeling you heart wanting to jump out of your chest you swallowed thickly and spoke to the person who knocked.

   "uH-uhm, come in!" You stood up, rushing to look as if you were doing something useful with your time and not just laying around. Fiddling with a holopad, tapping random files on it the door slid open. Not looking up you heard them clear their throat.

   "Hey, Y/N..." If there was ever a time you wanted to melt into a puddle and cease to exist it was now. You slowly looked up like a deer in headlights. Suddenly images of Cal's hurt expression flashed through your head, extreme guilt settling into your core. Studying his face you could see his thick brows drawn together in a concerned way, his lips forming a frown. Gripping the holopad tightly you shift your weight.

   "Oh, are you busy?" He inquired. Hurriedly, you set the holopad down on your desk. Turning to face him and wringing your fingers.

   "No! *Ahem* No, I'm not busy, what's up?" You ask.

   "Oh ok, good. Uhm, listen I just wanted to apologize for what I said yesterday, you were right I shouldn't have asked about something like that. i should've known it was a sensitive subject-"

  "My stars, oh no. Cal you don't have to apologize, I may not trust you, but I understand that you didn't trust us either.  It was- It was just messy . I was, you know, I-" You cut him off and began explaining, feeling extremely uncomfortable with talking about your feelings. You could see Cal processing what you were saying and he opened his mouth to talk.

   "Yeah, don't worry about it. I get it, uh, just know- water under the bridge. Uhm, we're on Zeffo you should join us." He suggested, half way out the hatch, desperate to leave the awkward atmosphere. Wanting to do the same you dismiss him with a nod and a wave of your hand. As the door closed you released a breath you were holding for way too long, mulling over the interaction over and over again before deciding that things were okay. Now you only had to deal with Cere.