the sweater ~~ jily

21.

Chapter Twenty-One: Another Talk With Remus

Lily walked back with James without saying another word. There was a new gut feeling growing in her, something telling her she shouldn't have done that. It felt like a mental fight.

James noticed how silent she was. "Are you sure you're okay, Lily?"

Lily nodded. "I'm fine. Please don't worry."

She wasn't okay at all. She never should have kissed him, this was such a bad idea. Especially to hide all this from him. Lily could've exploded, they could've just walked to Gryffindor together instead of...kissing him. Oh god, why did she think of that in the first place.

But that was about to happen anyways, if Sirius hadn't slammed the portrait. It still was a bad idea. 

"Listen, if you're tense about what happened over there, I told you I didn't mind. I mean, I wasn't expecting it, but it's okay."

This did not help Lily at all. He clearly didn't know Severus was behind her. She was not about to hurt him, all she could do was put on a brave face and never tell him. "Yeah, okay."

The halls were completely silent and 'abandoned' looking. It was just them there. All were dismissed to their common rooms for the night, but them being Head Boy and Head Girl, they could be dismissed a little later.

They made it to the portrait hole who screamed at them, of course. Once it opened, James and Lily walked inside, Lily gulping hard.

"I'm gonna sleep, okay?" James told her. "I'm just asking one more time, are you okay?"

Lily couldn't look at him. She nodded. James opened his arms for a hug which Lily hesitated to take. She hugged him, hearing his heartbeat. It was slow and calming. James's arms coiled around her comfortably. Lily shut her eyes.

James slowly let go of her, giving her one last smile before walking up the stairs to his dormitory.

Lily was the last one in the common room. She collapsed into the couch, almost crying of guilt. She couldn't cry, she doesn't cry. 

A door opened and Lily didn't want to move. She was facedown into the couch anyways. Footsteps went from the stairs to the common room floor and to the couch across from Lily.

"Lily?" said Remus's voice. She sat up, her face randomly wet. Remus looked at her as if she was a sad puppy. "Are you okay?"

Lily shook her head. "I'm not."

"Do you want to tell me?" said Remus softly.

She gulped. "I kissed James."

Remus's eyes widened and a smile grew on his scarred face. "Really?"

"It was a bad idea, it was because Severus's friends were following me. I wasn't scared, but I had a bad gut feeling. I ran into him when he went out of a classroom and Severus's friends were still there. My only thought was to kiss him and I fucking did that. And he doesn't know it didn't mean anything and I can't tell him."

Remus's face lost its smile. "Oh. Oh deer." Lily gave him a look. "Sorry."

"What am I supposed to do, I can't see him in pain again. Especially because I don't want to be the reason he's in pain. Sirius specifically told me not to play with his feelings," she spat out.

"Lily, first, I'm going to need you to calm down before I can tell you what you can do. You're not going to hurt him, okay? Take a few breaths." Lily took a few deep breaths before Remus began. "You're okay now?"

She nodded, anticipated to listen for advice.

"You're gonna need to tell him."

"I can't do that!" said Lily.

"You have to, if he finds out from someone else, that's when it'll hurt him. That's your only option, okay?" Remus told her.

"There's no way he'll find out if no one tells him, I can keep up the act," suggested Lily worriedly.

"Is your feelings for him an act?"

At these words, Lily thought about it. Were all these weird feelings because she actually began to like James? All she wanted was James to be happy at this point. When he was happy, so was she. Could this be it, could that be the reason? "I, I don't think so anymore."

"You need to tell him, Lily. It'll hurt him, but it'll hurt a lot more if he found out from someone else. That's my suggestion."

"I'll tell him, fine."

Lily didn't want to tell him, but if Remus was right, she could prevent him from being in more pain.

"Good." Remus nodded, "Are you going to bed any time soon or are you staying down here?"

"I don't know, just give me time to think please," she asked him.

"Do you need anything else before I go up?" Remus asked her, standing up. Lily shook her head and Remus made his way back to his dormitory. 

Lily needed to think. No one else could tell him except her, so there didn't seem to be any point in telling him. He'd never find out if no one told him. But would Remus be right?

She decided to give it time; she'll tell him at some point. Soon. That idea was like a compromise, Lily will still tell him about it, but after a few days so he could barely remember it.

a/n

thanks for reading!!
this chapter (including author's note) is 910 words

~the sweater