Dumbass dairy of a fuck up

Im so comfused

I dunno what's wrong with me?
I tried to kill myself two days ago
And since last night I a haven wanted to listen to my music..music means everything to me? Sigh...everything just feels wrong but the one thing that feels right is talking to me ex but there's a hint of wrong...maybe it's because he's not mine and I know he's getting around with other girls now..what the fuck is wrong with me..
I relapsed the day I tried to commit god I've told 4 people all different reactions
The closest person lou, he flipped he told me to always talk to him why I did it all the shirt
Then Sam he just asked if I was alright and changed the subject.
Then a girl from my school who I know and well she cared at least
Then my ex god..I thought he was the one that would give a damn...he always used to care and when I told him that I tried to kill myself he said he should have been dead long ago...then today I told him "I've pretty much carved stupid into my hip" and he said nothing about the fact that I'm cutting again...I hate the way I feel god I hate myself..I just wish he could be here...pull his head out of his ass and give a shit like he used to...I love him to much and it's stupidc
....
2 or so weeks after
I'm currently staying with my step grandparents..I feel like for the past I dunno 3 4 days that I have no meaning..like nothing matters anymore..I can't eat I can't sleep..I just I don't know I wish I could end everything ..but I can't I know I can't..
I asked my ex why he hasn't just left me yet and he said that he couldn't, it was the only promise he could keep to me..that promise was broken..he just left and when he left..he took my happiness and care with him..I don't care anymore I just give up I hate people touching me, I hate questions, I just hate it all..I'm going to message him soon ask him if he's doing better if he is..I'm gonna stay out of it, let him be happy..it's selfish that I want him so badly but I have a godamn reason...I developed an ED when he dumped me, but when he became single and started showing that he loved me I just I got better, my rips didn't show anymore I gained weight and I was happy with myself I was good but now he's gone again and I can't eat, I throw it up when I'm made to eat fucking hell..he doesn't understand...he thinks he's hurting me but it's small jabs of pain that's it and it's for the better ..I hurt myself more without him..I put so much pain on myself and he just doesn't get that..I lose my mind..so if he's doing better I'll risk getting admitted I'll risk my life just so he can be happy...
It's stupid how he thinks he's helping me..but whatever..if he's doing better is happy I'll die knowing that I loved him till point it killed me..but if he's doing worse I can try to be there for him...
I'm just done you see?
He's my reason for living..that's it..what's the point of living when he's gone
----
A few days after
So right now it's 11:20 at night and I just wana write
I've been giving myself tattoos all day hehe
They're not amazing but they're gonna look good later because when I'm older I can get these covered up but pros and yeah or maybe I won't get it redone and it just be a reminder of what I've been threw aha
I feel a bit better lately I've been feeling like crap since the fight with my ex, he's alive for all I know, I had his friends talk him down and yeah..but he messaged my step mum and told her something like I was gonna kill myself but yeah that didn't happen but anyway he got me focused not to talk to him ever again. Yeah not gonna happen family, I'll talk to him middle of school maybe..depends how much I miss him, what sadly is a lot already SIGHHHHHH i love him so much and it's stupid I should hate him for calling me insane so many times because it's like he's saying I'm just as insane as he is and that's stupid and not right because I was just worried about him and scared I was gonna do something stupid without him and he flips out at me and it's like wtf I was just worried about us :(
Oh well..his friend said she would tell me how he is but really it's not enough god I it'd wanna hear him I just wanna see him. And I hate him so much to...we are so imperfectly perfect for each other, we fight like all hell but when we are getting along things are amazing...it's just two big personality clashing but whatever..I know my feelings and he's not getting rid of me that easy..he's an idiot for thinking I'll just give up on him that easy >.< I'm not weak, I'm not insane, I'm fucking fine I know I love him I know I want him I know I'll be fine???when you love someone..no matter what they do they can't push you away that easy..
Gotta keep going with my night
Mcr thank you for being you
- I'm not okay I promise -