troubled | e.d.

forty-four

tessa

it hurt so bad.

only in the beginning, i guess. ethan stopped, we talked about it for a minute, and then continued. it got so much better after that, and it became a very enjoyable experience.

i think his hand holding my slightly sweaty one  underneath the sheets, our fingers interlocked tightly was a big relaxer. him squeezing my hand reassuringly every time i winced in pain also helped.

then after a couple minutes i felt like heaven on earth. screw abstinence, that was fun.

and he told me he loved me at least five times.

mumbled into my skin, out loud as he looked over my body, pressed against my lips, etc.

i'm starting to feel the sore aftermath as i'm tangled up in ethan's sheets wearing a shirt from his closet, listening to him ramble on aimlessly and play with my hair.

even if that was first and last time ethan and i would have sex, i still wouldn't change a single thing about it.

"tessa?" he eventually asks.

"hm?" i hum, taking my face from out of his bare chest and looking up at him.

"i know you think you're going tomorrow," he whispers. "but you're not."

"yes i am," i insist.

"no you're not."

"uh, yeah, i am—"

his lips cut me off and i melt into the kiss, then pull away when i realize that it's his tactic to get me to stop arguing.

"that's not fair," i frown. "my dad gets to be there."

he laughs loudly. "if your dad wasn't there, then we'd have a problem."

i sigh, letting my head fall back down to his chest. he holds me tighter, and i don't ever want him to let go.

i feel safe here.

ethan is my safe space.

"you know what?" i say as i begin to trace lines on his chest with the tip of my finger.

"no, what?" he replies.

"i'm not going home tonight."

"your dad is going to kill me," he enunciates.

"he can kill me first," i shrug.

"at least text him that you're safe."

i groan and reach my hand behind me, trying to grab my phone from the nightstand on my side. i grasp it and tug it to me, opening my messages.

sure enough, i have a couple from him. he's wondering where i am and when i'll be home.

i tell him three things: i'm safe, not to worry, and that i'll see him tomorrow morning.

i shut the phone off completely and drop it off the side of the bed, hearing it land on the hardwood with a thump. ethan chuckles and kisses my forehead.

"what time is it?" i ask.

"don't know. you were the one with the phone before you threw it off the side of the bed."

i laugh and it turns into a happy sigh at the end, overwhelmed with what has gone down in the last three hours.

i told ethan i loved him. he said it too. he took my virginity. we've been laying here for a long time.
that's about it.

"we should play a game," he decides, snapping his fingers.

"what kind of game?" i ask monotonously, getting the feeling i'm going to hate it.

"whoever laughs first has to get up and get a bowl of grapes."

"yeah, i don't think that's going to work out too well for me," i grimace. "18 years of virginity really shows when someone like you takes it, and i physically cannot move, thank you very much."

"someone like me?" he questions with a laugh, eyes humor and curious.

i gasp, pointing a finger. "you laughed! go get the grapes."

"wait, that didn't count—"

"yes it did," i insist with a grin. "go get the grapes, lazy bum."

he rolls his eyes half-jokingly and lifts up the covers, showing him in just his underwear. i watch as he grabs some sweatpants from his closet and slides them on, hopping to the door.

i attempt to count how many times the fan spins before he comes back, and i estimate it to be around 35 times.

he's popping a grape into his mouth as he plops back down next to me, not getting under the covers but rather laying his legs on top of them.

"isn't it getting hot under there?" he asks, holding the bowl out to me. "i was sweating."

"gross," i mutter and grab a couple from the bowl. after i swallow them both, i get out of the bed and reach for my underwear and nike running shorts, ignoring my bra and shirt splayed out, since i have ethan's shirt. i slide both of them up my legs and go to lay back down, but ethan stops me.

"wait, stay there," he says, holding up a grape and squinting one eye.

i open my mouth and tilt my head back, waiting for him to aim it into my mouth. he throws it, and it hits my nose before landing on the floor and bouncing a couple times.

i pick it up with a giggle and eat it, not even caring about the germs that could be on it. ethan keeps a clean house.

our backs lean against the headboard and our shoulders touch as we both grab from the grape bowl, not saying anything and staring at the wall in front of us.

"tomorrow is going to be a happy day," i affirm quietly.

i don't know if i'm convincing him or myself.