Random Short Glimpses Into My Mind

For Your Understanding

I was a broken woman when you found me that day.
I was so alone, that loneliness was a luxury I could not even afford.
Yet something drew me to you.
Something told me deep down that you would be the one I would spend the rest of my life with.

Not in a romantic way of course, I was far too young to consider any kind of romance.
It was a supportive way, a way that could only be described as sweetly life changing.

You ask how bad did you really hurt me?
I mean, we're still talking aren't we? It couldn't have been that bad right?
Let me put my experience into perspective for you, person with the outside eye.
Then, you tell me how much you think it wounded my sorry soul.

My vulnerability had reached its peak the moment I asked you to be mine.
I was unaware of that at the time, but I had never ever been as unprotected as I was when I was with you.
I thought trusting you was as natural as breathing.
I believed loving you was as right as the rain.
I thought I was, simply putting it, in Heaven with you by my side.

However, the hard times came and I realized that Heaven was not where I resided after all.
Trusting you with my fragile heart and expecting no pain was as stupid as drinking a bottle of poison and expecting life to result from it afterwards.

The moment I opened my arms to welcome you inside, you noticed the opening I had provided for you.
You stabbed my chest and pierced through my heart, killing my spirit as easily as a hunter kills its prey.
You pierced it so deep, that the wound will never fully heal.
Yet, I still remained vulnerable to your ways.

You savored my vulnerability like a lioness in her den.
You observed my broken heart like man observes an animal at the Zoo.
And you fattened it up with nothing more than beautiful, bitter white lies.

My vulnerable heart, that still remained as broken as it ever was, begged for it's sweet and anticipated redemption.
It begged you to return and heal it's wounds once more.
What was your response to this desperate and dying spirit?
"I wouldn't have trouble talking to you if it felt like you wanted to talk to me and actually improve yourself...."
Improve myself? Improve....myself?
What does she mean by improve myself?
Is there a part of me that is still not good enough?
Is it because I'm fat?
Will anybody love me?
Did I do it all wrong?
This is all my fault.
I'm worthless.
I'm stupid.
I did it.

I ruined someone else's life once again....

You should just kill yourself.
Come on, do it.
Why won't you do it you fucking pansy?!
Just kill yourself!
They won't notice!
You'll never be good enough, just do it!

These nagging voices ceased when you entered my life, and returned when you decided that it was better for you to disappear.

I turned to alcohol, I turned to weed. I turned to anything I thought would make my pain finally go away.
I spent so many nights crying that my tears would have filled a chalice.
I searched and I searched for something, anything to take it all way.

Then, the pain hit me again, yet in a different place.
You were not there for me in that moment either.
I searched and searched for you to get rid of my pain, and you threw me away again like I was nothing more than the dirt you found on the sole of your shoe.

Even now, looking at your ignorance of my pain makes my heart drop and my eyes well up with the same tears I cried the first time you hurt me. They cry not for the pain that you caused, but in remembrance of that little girl who had to experience it all on her own.

So you ask me how much you really hurt me?
I guess that's for you to decide.