incandescent ²

09. asteroid

arden

lauren's breathing has become frighteningly shallow. i know this because of how close we are.

she's sitting next to me—well, i'm sitting next to her since i was the one who invaded her personal space, but she didn't push me away, so—and her head's leaning on my shoulder. if i didn't know better, i'd say she's tired.

but i don't know better, and she might be tired.

"ren, you're not dying, are you?" i voice the question that's been bothering me for the past something something minutes. there's no indication of time here, just space and stars and an inky black sky, and oh—the incredibly beautiful girl who's using me as a head rest.

to be honest, i'm honoured she's using me as a head rest.

"no. bone cancer shouldn't affect my breathing. i don't know if it does. actually, can we not talk about this?"

i feel her shift, and i fear she's going to lift her head up, thereby leaving me to feel useless again, but she doesn't. she just adjusts herself, and i wonder if my shoulder is as comfortable as she finds it.

"yeah, sure." i nibble on my lower lip. "we can try to devise a way for me not to forget you. like, maybe, do something incredibly stupid that we won't regret later because it's actually just us living out lives to the fullest," i say. to ease her worry, and for fear of her now racing heart, i add, "nothing permanent like tattoos, of course."

"who says i want you to remember me? i'm not worth the brain space it'll take."

this time, she pushes off me and my shoulders automatically slump.

did i upset her? i didn't mean to.

"i'm not going to argue with you because it won't change your mindset, but that doesn't mean i'm going to keep my distance. if it means going full stalker on you, i won't not do that."

she purses her lips. "you already come off as a stalker. plus, i can't spend my life trying to prove to you that this is a futile effort. so, yeah. say i give in to whatever it is you want me to give in to, what happens then?"

a slow romance. but not too slow, because you might die before it reaches its peak.

why is this your fate? does it have to happen? can't we just curve death?

can i cure you? exchange my health for yours?

instead of saying any of that, i pause because i don't know what to say. i don't want to be forward, and this is the quickest i've ever developed a real crush on anyone, and it's making me confused.

i don't want to scare her away; i don't want to hold on too tight, because i'm scared. and i don't want to not hold on, because then, i'll have more regrets than memories by the time she's gone.

and i just—i just don't know.

"arden?" her soft voice breaks me out of my confused headspace, and i'm thankful, although my problem isn't solved.

"yeah?" i manage to say. my throat is dry and scratchy, but there's no water in sight. i won't look at her—i can't look at her. that won't help.

"are you okay?"

"yeah."

no. i'm not. i want to scream into the wind and let it echo back useful instructions, but that's too stupid to try.

"arden," she says again, like she knows me. but she doesn't. "i can tell something's bothering you. is it home stuff? school? um, your girlfriend?—or boyfriend, because this is the twenty-first century—internal stress?"

she places a hand over mine, which is enough to send my heart into a frenzy. it's safe to say i'm fluorine and she's water, and i'm reacting violently to even the simplest of gestures. i find it beautiful, but maybe that's just me.

that's our chemical reaction? but fluorine reacts with a lot of things, which is slightly off-putting, so maybe i'm not fluorine. but until i can find an element with a reaction exclusive to one other element or molecule, i'll stick with fluorine.

"it's nothing. i'm fine."

how did we get here? the answer's simple: from a dark alleyway.

she sighs and gets up, shaking her head. "okay, you're clearly lying because last night you were. . .not like this." she taps her foot impatiently and stares up at the black canvas. "let's go somewhere?"

a crooked smile crawls onto my face. it's more like a smirk in my opinion. "sure. just say where."

that's when her face falls. "i don't know a lot of places. y'know, with being on house arrest basically always. i know the hospital, and my house, but i don't even remember how to get to my old school."

"don't worry. that's what i'm here for. we'll walk around a bit, and see where the universe takes us."

"that doesn't sound too fun if i'm being honest, but i like your company." she smiles.

i don't think she understands what she's doing to me.

·—·
a/n

short chapter but sort of important?
how're you guys doing?