incandescent ²

10. galaxy

arden

i'm going to ask her out.

not ask out in the sense of asking out, but more in the sense of asking her out of her house. like to my school or something, because i need all the luck i can get, and she might just be my lucky charm.

she's going to say no.

i can already feel it, but that doesn't mean i won't try. who knows? i could luck out.

"so, how old are you?" i ask when i realize that i know absolutely nothing about ren, except for the cancer thing.

is there even a point to getting to know her?

the answer is yes.

one thing i have noticed-or researched (it doesn't make a difference)- is that even though making new memories is hard, i can hold on to the old ones just fine. which is exactly how anterograde amnesia works, but i'm digressing.

maybe i can rewrite the stars. stop myself from forgetting her. i can right the wrongs-fix the fault in our stars.

it's worth a try.

"a little under adult, but still a teenager. like i said, will probably die before adulthood. that sucks, to be honest." she kicks a rock and watches it skip forward. then she kicks the dirt under her feet.

"seventeen?"

she smiles, baring teeth. "that's the one. and you?"

i bite the inside of my cheek. "a little over yours, but still, technically, a teenager."

"ooh. we love slightly older guys." she chuckles and punches my shoulder very lightly. i don't flinch because it doesn't hurt, and to be real, it probably did her more harm than it did me.

"and what are your hobbies?"

her body tenses up next to me and she stops walking. i internally begin to scold myself for being such an idiot and asking personal questions.

okay, maybe they're not personal, but they clearly bring up bad memories.

clearly.

"ren," i begin, but she shushes me by shaking her head.

"it's okay. i'm okay." she proceeds to take a lungful of air, holding it in for a few seconds before releasing it in the form of a gust of warm wind. "i like to. . .criticize myself and well, make. . .art."

i definitely saw the first one coming, but i'm not psychic enough to figure out anything else.

"if it's not too pushy or something, you think i could see one of your artworks?"

she's going to refuse.

with a quarter of a smile, she shakes her head microscopically.

hah. what'd i say?

"that's too much for me to take on. maybe after i'm dead," she says.

jesus. can she stop? can she just fucking stop talking about dying? i want to voice my thoughts but i can't. i literally can't, and i'm slightly too chicken to.

what would i even gain?

"well, that's inspiring. i'm starting to want to not remember you." i huff and speed up my pace.

yes, i'm slightly angry. and yes, i have no right to be, but that's unimportant. i shouldn't give a flying horse shoe about a girl i met the night before, but here i am, walking and making small talk with her for the second night in a row.

never again.

i definitely won't let it happen again.

"arden-"

i cut her off. "don't. don't say my name, don't talk to me, and don't even breathe in my direction," i say rather rudely, my arm stretched out as a means of creating distance between us.

i don't want to get to know you, so fuck off.

she forces a smile, not adding extra effort to make it look real. "you want me to leave you? i won't hesitate to - just say the words and i'll disappear."

i'll disappear.

i'm starting to like her all over again, but that doesn't mean i'm any less mad.

"i said; don't talk to me, ren. what's so hard to understand? yes, you can leave-you should leave-and if you come to the park tomorrow hoping to find me, you won't." i shake my head slightly. "just go. i don't want the kind of toxicity that surrounds you."

she looks at me with a stoic expression - a poker face- but i can see right through it and i don't know why. a single tear slips from her left eye, and my heart clenches with regret.

i might have gone too far.

my breathing is heavy and my head feels light. i tell myself i'll be fine, that it's just my unwarranted anger stirring up again, and that i can dim it down like i've done so many times before, but i can't get myself to believe it.

because i can't control myself.

my hands are shaking excessively, my heart is pounding, and i can feel my blood coursing through my veins. i want to throw up, but i can't do that right now. not when i've hardly had anything to eat.

"arden," she says again, and i decide that she's stubborn, but maybe the kind of stubborn that's good.

that's good for me.

"arden, calm down." her voice cracks and my heart breaks.

what's happening to me? i thought i'd learnt to handle myself.

"arden, please look at me. listen to me." she nears me with caution, like she's afraid i'll hit her, and i want to cry.

i want to cry because she's seen this side of me, the ugly side, and now she'll probably never want to see me again. i want to cry because i yelled at her for no reason, and because i don't know why i have these feelings for a practical stranger.

nothing feels normal.

still trembling, i look at her, locking eyes with hers. it's the first time i've actually looked her in the eyes, and i can see hers are a warm amber with a shine to them.

she's just so perfect.

"you'll be okay, i promise. i won't leave until you are, and then you can decide whether or not you still want me gone. if you do, then. . .i guess i'll have to respect your decision." she talks with a calmness i never thought possible.

and after a few second of staring at her with quivering lips, i let my tears fall.

·-·
a/n

lol. what is this? i didn't mean to swear, i'm just not myself and i can't take out the swear words
i limited them though. usually, my text would be brimming with them

have a stellar day 🏌️‍♂️