incandescent ²

16. universe

l a u r e n

i'm gonna let arden walk me home.

i don't want to, — not that i don't not want to — but i have no choice. i literally can't stand on my own, not to talk of taking steps.

i guess i need him.

he wraps his arm around my torso as i get up, and throw mine over his shoulder.

"i should've brought a car," he mumbles, but i hear him.

"no, it's okay. cars ruin things." my words are anything but reassuring, but i'm not trying to reassure him. i can't even reassure myself because i'm sick of hearing the same words on repeat.

you'll be fine, lauren. everything will work out.

well, it's been three years since i got diagnosed and things are not getting any better. i've lost more hair in the past week than my dad has his whole life, and my bones hurt and are pretty much useless. i'm basically already dead.

"i could carry you," he offers.

"i'll fall asleep if you do, then i won't be able to give you directions." i yawn, not bothering to cover my mouth because it'll be over before my hand reaches its destination.

i can feel the rise and fall of his chest as he breathes, and i can hear his heart beating. oh, and he smells like cucumbers.

weird, unusual, but i like it.

god, this sucks.

why can't i be lucky?

"i want life," i whisper, because whispering is the only thing i can do. "i no longer want to accept my fate, arden. i don't want my death sentence. i want to experience everything, i want to explore the earth, take walks and go bungee jumping, skydiving, camping. . .i want to see the universe. it's been my dream since forever, and now i'm not gonna be able to live it." my voice is breaking and i doubt he can hear me, but apparently he can, because he pulls me closer, engulfing me in a hug that's not too tight this time, and his chin's resting on my head and he's patting my back and stroking what's left of my hair.

i bury my face in the crook of his neck and cry until my body shakes again, knowing he's here to hold me until my tear sacs are all dried up. he lets me, whispering sweet nothings in my ear. the words aren't what i'm listening to; it's his voice that does the soothing. it's velvety and smooth like warm chocolate, and i love it.

when it hits me that this might be the last time i'll ever hear him speak, i start to cry all over again.

his hand finds my free one — the one that's not clinging to him like my life depends on it — and interlaces our fingers.

"i wish i could take your pain away."

i suck in a breath. "you're probably wishing you never met me," i choke out.

"no."

i pull back a bit and see him smiling. he tucks my hair behind my ear.

"i just wish we had more time."

for the second time tonight, he kisses me without warning.

it's my own damn fault.

i kiss him back, because i want him to know that — yes, i'm not using you for comfort, i actually have valid feelings for you — and because a part of me feels like it's necessary i do this, because every other time i've "been" with a male has been through rape or something like rape, and i don't want to die without giving real love a chance.

only, the chance isn't mine to give.

fuck.

his lips are tantalizing. too fucking tantalizing, and i don't want to pull away. i want to stay like this forever, because i think i deserve this much, at least, but i can't, because what'll happen after i breathe my last?

i think i just bit his lip.

my brain is buffering, skull is pounding, heart racing, stomach twisting, ears ringing — wait, my heart's palpitating.

i shove arden away from me and lose my balance, falling backwards onto the ground.

big mistake.

fuck, it hurts.

my lips are stinging. is this normal?

i almost can't feel any pain. maybe it's because i'm used to it, i'm not sure, but everything hurts and at the same time, nothing does.

"god, ren, damn. are you okay?" he doesn't reach out to pull me up, instead he crouches down to my level and helps me sit up. "don't answer that."

but the thing is, i am okay. at least, i'm more okay than i was a few minutes ago. i feel like i'm levitating, like i'm watching this scene play out. it's an outer body experience, and i touch a hand to my head.

there's blood.

arden's eyes follow my movements and he nearly screams obscenities when he sees my hand.

"ren, what am i gonna do? you're bleeding and i don't know where you live — this is why you should've let me walk you home. see this?" he presses his hand to the cut.

it doesn't even sting this time.

"look, i'm fine. just call an ambulance or something." it takes me a while to realize what i said. "on second thought, don't do that. my parents can't know i'm not home right now."

"why'd you sneak out?" he releases me, eyes turned serious. "why did you feel the need to come here tonight? if it's because of me—"

"no! well, yeah." i nod. "slightly? i wanted you to know that i wasn't dead yet, and you didn't come early and i had too much time alone with my thoughts and i. . .well, cried, and you got here." i look up at him. "and made that slightly better."

he places both hands on his hips. "that's it. i'm taking you home." he swoops me up in one fluid motion. "it's illegal to like someone this much, i swear," he mutters, but i'm so close that i can hear.

and it brings a smile to my lips.

+++
a/n

i'm writing these chapters too quickly and i just want to publish them all at once but

i think it's better to wait---
—update: i'm not waiting 24hours to update

that way, i'll be legally allowed to say; have an amazing day!