Whilst you were gone.. ('The Irish Girl' Sequel) (DG fanfic)

Chapter 26: Buried Deep

"So Chloe, I wanted to leave all the liam drama for today and get to the real root of your problem, your past. I haven't heard you talk about your life before care, I only know what your file says" Brian began and I huffed, "Well, where do I start? Do I start with my mum coming home drunk one night and shouting at me when I was four? Or when one of the guys she brought home trying to touch me?" And Brian wrestled with his thumbs for a minute, and then said "Why don't you start with your earliest memory, maybe there was a time your mother was good to you" and he wasn't wrong, my mum may have been crap but one time she wasn't, it's something I've kept buried deep for nearly ten years. The time my mum was actually a mum to me, in her own way...
Flashback, 2005
It was summer, me and my mum were at the beach. I loved the beach, the sound and smell of the sea and the soft sand.
One of dixie's sober days, they were the best. Her hair wasn't tangled and drenched in hairspray, it was naturally wavy like mine. But blonde and long, her skin wasn't covered in mascara and lipstick everywhere, she was a natural beauty. She had clear skin, it was sun kissed in the light, it had a rosy glow. She had a beauty mark on her cheek, i used to think she looked a little like Marilyn Monroe. Her lips were heart shaped, her eyes were ocean blue. A little darker than mine, she turned to me and said "Have I ever told you about my first kiss?" And I gagged at the the thought. I was eight and boys were smelly, and like any eight year old would say I said "Ew! Gross!" I grimaced and mum laughed, "You may be disgusted by it now but when your a teenager, it's different. You'll meet a boy, who is unbelievably handsome and you'll be this beautiful, badass Irish girl" That made me laugh and mum continued, "His name was Brody, he was a biker and he was hot. Brody was Scottish, and his accent was rough and he had a deep voice. It took my breath away, I was fifteen and he was seventeen. I used to lie about my age back in the day, I looked and dressed older than I was so I could attract older guys" Mum told me and I wasn't surprised, mum always dressed glamours and wore short skirts.
"But, Brody was special to me, my first love and yes I was only fifteen but when you find love your age doesn't matter, if it's there it's there. Love doesn't care about age or your future, it's there like it or not"
I asked "Do you still love him mum?" And she chuckled "Oh yeah, hopelessly" mum always responded to my questions sarcastically, I never really asked her much as the response was always sarcastic.
I got my sense of style and sarcasm from her. People used to be shocked at how I dressed for my age, I wore what most eighteen year old girls wear at the age of thirteen. Mum didn't teach me how to be a normal kid, I went along with whatever I liked. But at least she spent some time with me for once, I guess this day will stay with me forever.
Present Day
"So, your mother told you of her first love, did that influence you when you and Liam became an item?" Brian asked and I nodded "Well, I always remembered the story but like I said she didn't tell me much, I was never told I was loved by her. I heard it from Stevie and my aunt but that's about as far as it went" I told him and Brian said "From what I can gather, your mother didn't have it good growing up. This is called privation, which means if you didn't have it you can't miss it" makes sense, nana didn't exactly visit me much. When she did all she did was pick a fight with mum, but that doesn't excuse her.
I still ended up in care, she could've tried to do better by me and Roxy.
"I guess that is true, my nana never really showed any interest in me or my mum only that I'm doomed to become my harlot of a mother" I chuckled and Brian shut the notebook. "I think you should write your mum a letter, tell her what you really feel" he suggested and I huffed "I've already told her, last year I went back home and I told her some home truths. It didn't change much but I got it out of my system, why write a letter when she will only use it for cutting her crack up or she'll throw it away thinking it was junk" and he shook his head, "That's not what I meant, you could write a letter then rip it up, that way you'll express your anger then rip it away" and I chuckled "I have a diary, that's what I use it for and you told me it's good to have a diary".
"Okay, then continue writing in your diary" Brian agreed and I asked "Are we done? I need a cigarette" and he nodded "Yes, that's all for today" wow, Brian really has tolerated my attitude. I guess he's trained to do that, I went outside after Brian left. I lit the cigarette up and inhaled, I wasn't bothered if anyone saw.
I'm old enough to make my own decisions and it's not like I do it in the house, they can't blame me either. If Mike and May-Li were me, they would smoke ten a day.
I'm surprised they don't considering what they put up with all day, "Chloe! Put that out before someone sees!" Carmen hissed at me, and I laughed. "Oh chill out Carmen, if you didn't notice I'm not bothered if someone does, I just told Brian something I've kept quite for almost ten years" I took another drag and Carmen stood beside me, "What was that?" She asked and I replied blowing the smoke from my lips. "My mum being nice to me for once, she was telling me about her first love. I was eight at the time, we had just moved to England and we went to the beach, it was one of her sober days" I told her.
Carmen smiled a little, "At least she tried" and I scoffed "Yeah, and look where that got me"
Carmen placed her hand on my shoulder, "I get it Chloe, my mum did the same thing to me" and I looked at her shocked. "You too?" I said and she nodded. "My mum chose men over me, she wasn't as bad as yours but she left me alone for a week so she could spend time with her boyfriend. You wasn't there when she turned up one day, she even wanted me to move to Spain with her. All I'm saying is, your better off without her Chloe, even if she did show some kindness" Carmen left me to it, I wasn't ever going to forgive her. I put out my cigarette and lit another one up, "Tell me you ain't Chloe!" I heard Liam groan from behind and I shrugged "So what if I am?, your not my boyfriend anymore Liam" I scowled at him.
"Let me guess, stress made you do it?" He asked and I scoffed "No, a magical fairy appeared and gave me it. Why do you think? I've got nothing to loose and it helps, I'm not sorry" and Liam sighed, "So? How did it go with baldy?" That made me a laugh a little.
"Well, I told baldy something I've kept to myself for over ten years, it's been buried deep, my mum took me to the beach one day and told me about her first love" I told him and he replied "Was this the only time?" And I nodded. "It was one of her sober days, which were a rarity but she still ended up being sarcastic about it but it never left me but it still doesn't justify what she's done to me and to Roxy even if nana was harsh, she still decided to treat me like a rag doll" I put out the cigarette and Liam said "Would you ever forgive her? I mean, if she had it rough then maybe she didn't know how to be a mum" and my mouth made an 'O' and I scoffed "Are you serious? Did you not remember me telling you I ended up in hospital because of her?" I raised my voice and glared at him. "I'm not saying that, I'm just saying is it really worth going on with all this hatred?" And I chuckled sarcastically "Since when did you become so sympathetic?" I ran my fingers through my hair and Liam continued, "I'm not saying what she did was forgivable, but at least she had one day where she was somehow a mum to you" and he wasn't wrong but he didn't know what I did, only what I told him. My mother isn't innocent, she had seventeen years to try and she's failed. I'll never be able to forgive her, for as long as I live. I decided to leave it at that and I decided to go to my room, "Where you going?" Liam asked as I walked to the door.
"My room, whats it to you?" I replied and he huffed "Are you going to keep being sarcastic the whole time I'm here?" And I shrugged "Well, only if you keep your nose out my business" I wasn't in the mood, I was always a little irate after therapy. Especially today, I didn't like talking about past stuff. Even though it's supposed to help me, it's still hurtful and if Liam can't get that then he's ruining any chance of me taking him back.
Making Ryan have more of a chance, in face he hasn't bothered me today. Only this morning, I hadn't seen him either. I went upstairs and he was in his room, sat on the edge of his bed crying. "Ryan, what's wrong?" I asked as I sat beside him. He looked up at me and I couldn't help but hug him, he seemed so upset. "I don't want to cause any drama" he sniffed and I smiled at him, "Ryan, I've had so much drama in my life I'm pretty sure I'm used to it. You can tell me anything, you know that" I assured him and then he told me, "Liam, he threatened me when you was with Brian" and I couldn't believe it, why would he do that? Ryan wasn't lying he seems so shaken. Liam must of said something bad to make Ryan scared, and he usually doesn't get scared. "What did he say?" I asked and Ryan looked me in the eyes as he said "He said he'd have mike send me away if I ever touched you again, he'd also hurt me very badly too. I'm scared blue eyes, he got right in my face too" Ryan shook in my arms and I growled, "I'm going to kill him", "No, don't I don't want to be the cause of anything and he said if I blabbed he'll do something worse". Ryan began to panic and I rocked him gently.
I sat with Ryan until he was calm and I held his face before I went, "You don't have to worry ry, Liam won't hurt you. I won't let him" I smiled and Ryan kissed me, "I'm glad I got you blue eyes" and I blushed. "Good to know".