Child Of The Future

Episode 22: Let It Be

               Carl's hands move away from mine, and he uses them instead to hold my arms while hugging me tight against his chest, the tears on his face still unhealed and with his voice cutting out of his throat, as my body just feels stunned and completely caught off guard by what he just said.

               What he just...fvcking said...

               "What?" I part my lips and turn to look at him, squirming, eyes wide, but he won't let me go. He just continues to sob against my back while I lean forward.

               "Don't leave me..." He begs with a tone so inflicted with devastation it hurts me. "Stay."

               "Carl?!" My vision goes to the knife in my loose, shaking hands, it's attractiveness gone down to absolutely nothing while my eyes just stay wide open and the cold tears I have on my long lashes drip towards my lap.

               He-He can't be serious. He's...

               "Carl you don't-"

               "I do!" He yells, his deep voice is slaughtered from happiness in this second, and I'm actually terrified for some reason, I don't even know what this feeling is, undeniably mixed, unsure, I mean...I was just about to commit suicide, when Carl told me that he loves me.

               And I can't even convince myself that he's not telling the truth, I can't even think!

               The me that was just falling straight down to the ocean of sadness made up of my endless salty tears that stand for the guilt I shed but never got rid of, I was ready to walk the fvcking plank and jump off the end instead of being pushed off when, what the heIl?

               "I-" My voice cracks, then it fills my mouth at the wait I give to form another word, trying to figure out what the fvck my emotions are trying to say.

               My brain, everything, it was working just fine a minute ago, I was screwed up in the head, but that doesn't mean I was totally dumb to what the fvck I was thinking, feeling or doing!

               It's like a waterfall of churned and messy thoughts  that are crashing downwards in front of me, different colors of different feelings right at my face, and I'm really working hard to catch at least the first thing to identify with this moment and my heart, but-I...

               "Let me go." I shift my shoulders up and down to wiggle out of his grip but he refuses to give me even an inch of space. "Carl?"

               "No!" He's not drowning in tears anymore. He sounds more determined than anything, his forehead pressed to my nape before speaking again. "I won't let you go."

               Oh, dammit.

               "Seriously!" I hear my voice become desperate to get away, my cheeks heating up and my body feeling a little confined, his arms pressing near my chest where I'm sure he can feel my heart beating out of control.

               I need to get away, otherwise I think I'm going to faint.

               I know I just volunteered to commit suicide, so passing out from feelings that should be considered positive, isn't that bad of an alternative, but...this is something else entirely!

               Before I was fvcking numb about the set up to this room, and now I'm sensitive to how close we are, how much this means to the both of us given I love him too.