Calm [H.S]

Chapter 10: Stay Golden

*Song: Did It To Myself by Francesca Blanchard*

"Come on Leah! Are you going to draw some time before Christmas?" I shout into the air.

My phone starts ringing, it's Harry. He's been calling a lot asking me whether he should tell the public about our break up or not. I haven't been answering because if I'm being honest I don't even want to think about it because I know the right thing to do is make our break up public but once it's public that gives us both freedom to whatever we want with whoever we want. Not that I would do anything, I'm not ready first of all and second of all I'm not the type of person to do something with someone just because I had a break up. I don't think he is either but who knows? I can't be mad if he does, even if he does now, he's not mine anymore.

Maybe I should go out tonight, by myself obviously. Not to party or anything, just to maybe get some inspiration to get my brain flowing again. I don't know where I'll be going but I certainly don't want to sit here all Friday. I get up from my desk in the art studio and go into my room, looking through my closet for something to wear. I put on some jeans and a white shirt with a flannel to go over it because it seems a bit breezy out.

I plug my earbuds into my phone, hit shuffle on my sad playlist, and stick my phone in my pocket. I put my shoes on and look at myself in the mirror one last time before I leave. I really do look like hell. That's because I only get two hours of sleep a night tops. I can't sleep and I'm so tired. I don't have nightmares or anything I just keep waking up. I grab my keys and walk out the door. The sun is already setting and the sky is this golden color.

"What are you staring at?" he says, giggling.

"You," I say, feeling like we've probably had this conversation a million times during our relationship. "The sun makes you look golden."

"The sun makes you look golden too but you were already that way without the sun," he says, causing me to get butterflies. I know he says stuff like this all the time but every time he does I still get butterflies.

"How am I golden? I am rather pale actually," I say and he laughs. I love that I can always make him laugh with my stupid jokes.

"You just are. Your soul is golden. You light up a whole room when you walk into it. You're the light of my life honestly. So that's why you are golden," he says causing more butterflies in my stomach.

"You're golden too, Harry Styles."

Sometimes I hate getting memories like that and other times I live for them. They just show me what I used to have and how lucky I was and then I realize that I don't have it now. That's my fault though, I broke up with him. And I really do want to talk to him but I can't because he's going to think I'm ready for us to try this whole thing again and I'm not. I'm too broken to try anything. I can't even cry and I cry at literally everything. I should probably call him and just tell him to tell the press. I can't hold him back anymore and I feel like that is what I'm doing.