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Chapter 8

* C H A R L O T T E *

A knock on the door wakes me up. I keep still with my eyes closed though. Maybe the person, whoever it is, will go away. I certainly hope so. Another knock. A pause. The door opens.

"Come on sleepy head, you need to wake up now." My dad. I don't answer and I don't move. I hear him sigh and walk away.

I roll over and take my phone. I'm still not used to my new background. It used to be a photo of Hero, now it's my dog. I love my dog but still, I'm not used to it. I groan and sit up. It's late afternoon and I'm still sleepy. Well, that's basically all I do these days: stay in my room and sleep. Sleeping is good. I like sleeping. In my dreams I go to another place, far far away from this bad world. The nightmares I used to have are gone now. Sleeping is a relief now, it means that I don't have to think about Hero or the film or my life for that matter.

I look around my room. It's still the same as it was before I left for Cardiff. My dad hasn't changed a bit. The room still holds all my silly future dreams. It's filled with movie quotes and posters. On my desk there are books about film theory and history. There's even a copy of my application form for the University of South Wales. Damn, seems like such a long time ago. I wonder if I'll ever be that girl again.

My dad thinks I'm depressed because all I want to do is sleep and stay in my room. I don't think so. I just have no idea what else I can do. I've been home for a couple of days now and everyone has a lot going on, except for me. My dad has work, my best friends have work. All I can do is sit by myself at home while everyone is at work or living their lives. That's the hardest part I guess: not knowing who I am anymore or what my future holds. I always had a plan. Be a good student, go to university, get a masters degree, get a good job, buy a house. It was at Ghent University that I started dreaming about something more. I discovered that my love for film could be something more than just a hobby. Ever since I was a kid I've loved film. I was fascinated by it, I loved the world it created. Watching movies all day was my idea of a perfect Sunday. As a uni student something changed though. I realized I could get a masters degree and do something with my love for film. The film related subjects were the ones I didn't have to study for, those were the exams I nailed without question. And gradually the dream evolved. By the time I started my final year at Ghent University I knew I wanted to study more than just film theory. I wanted to make films! A Belgian film school was good enough for me. It wasn't until Tommy happened that I wanted to go abroad. And so the dream evolved again...

I shake my head and get out of bed. I don't need to figure that out just now. I walk downstairs and my dad is waiting for me with a cup of coffee. He doesn't say anything for which I'm grateful. I know he has a lot of questions. He doesn't know what happened and he doesn't know why I'm so sad. I didn't tell him I left before shooting ended. He thinks I've just finished the job and that I couldn't get another one. I know he wants me to pursue a real career and I will but what will I do? I've never been good at anything except making films.

"Are you seeing the girls tonight?" My dad asks.

"Ehm, no. They had dinner plans so.."

"And you couldn't join?"

"No, they have a reservation at this fancy restaurant and it's fully booked."

"Why aren't you meeting them after then?"

"Because they have tickets to go to a concert and it's sold out."

"Oh and-"

"Just stop, okay?" I sigh. "They just have plans. They didn't know I was coming back and obviously they have a life beside me. I'll just have to get used to that. It's fine."

I sound more cheerful than I actually am. I'm not happy at all. I counted on my best friends to be my safety net but instead I came home to find them busy. They have a full calendar and there's no room for me. It really hurt when I had to invite myself to dinner because they didn't think to ask.

"I'm going for a walk," I say and I walk to the door. I take my dog with me for company.