EDITING
" through laughs and warfare, for three years
i loved her. i'd do anything to protect her. but
i never thought that'd become my job.
i'm a spy, but she didn't know it. what she did
know was how much pushing me away hurt...
but she did...
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Well, here we are. The dinner table. Looking back on the two previous sentences, you probably wouldn't think anything imperial was about to happen. Just a dinner, shared by family and a friend.
The legendary Malton dinners. Outstanding food, passersby activities, and astounding conversation; laughter always taking over the room...
But this time... Nothing. Not a single sound. Not a word. Not a laugh. Nothing but a heavy sigh escaping my vocal cords.
Everyone stood quietly in their seats, slowly consuming shy portions of food. It was painful. It was a painful sight, this deafening silence. It hurt seeing everyone hushedly get through this misery. It hurt knowing I was the one who caused the scandal, and it hurt even worse that everyone was restraining from talking to make sure I was fine. Me: I can't do this.
I push off my chair, slowly getting off it ,as I turned around. The more I looked at the people around me, the more it pained me to stand silent...but wouldn't it hurt more if I spoke up?
I couldn't look their way anymore. I couldn't look to find three people looking in every direction but mine. I couldn't look to see my parents avoiding my glance, trying to make me feel more comfortable. I couldn't look to see them acting calm, brewing a solution in their heads, which they probably had ready the second the scandal hit.
I couldn't look to catch the man next to me. I couldn't. I couldn't look at Kim Seokjin.
He avoided me. He saw I was uncomfortable. He felt that I couldn't dare to look at him.
My Seokjinnie wouldn't avoid my presence. He wouldn't avoid my unsettled gaze. He'd stare me down and cup my cheeks in his hands. He'd look me in the eyes and fight. He'd fight my walls and as always understand all I'm feeling through just a glare. He'd peer into my eyes and reassure me 'till I break. He'd be far from stopping until he could see I was okay. Until there was no more he could do. He wouldn't care for my parents' presence. He'd be too lost in caring for me, wouldn't he? Stupid. So stupid of you, Kim Seokjin. It sounds like I'm overestimating myself, but I know the man stood next to me. I know that he would care too much about little old me... And that isn't fair. He shouldn't. He shouldn't care, at least not about me.
