Julie and the phantoms visuals, imagines and preferences

•Miscarriage - Luke Patterson•

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TW - if you aren't comfortable reading about miscarriages please don't read this, there aren't any majorly graphic scenes but just in case

your POV: (you're 17)

The moment I found out I was pregnant, my whole world pretty much ended.

I was shocked that it was a reality, but honestly, I expected. Luke and I are not the best people for the whole safe sex thing, which now has ruined our lives.

The day I told Luke was the worst thing that could've happened at that time. I was already an emotional mess when he came over, but the fact that after I told him he just stared at the floor for nearly half an hour, all while not saying anything, really screwed with my head. The whole world seemed to stop for however long we sat in silence for. The first thing that he said to me, after he snapped out of his trance, was "Please go."

And I knew that if I said no, it would have made him more upset and potentially caused more fighting, then what it was worth.

the thought of him possibly never coming back to me, kissing me, loving me, killed me.

After about a month of not having any contact with him, I broke down. I let the stress of it all get to me, and bad.

A few days after my breakdown I was feeling worse than I usually do, so I asked my mom if she would drive me to the hospital to get a 'routine checkup'. My mother didn't know that I was pregnant, neither did she ever find out. When I went in for a sonogram, the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat, and that's when I knew that the stress and worry, that had been torturing me for the last month, had won.

The idea of me being an independent mom raising her child to their full potential, without the help of a man had been growing on me, over the last month. But now knowing that I warmed up to the idea for nothing, just made loosing the baby a whole lot more challenging on me, physically and mentally.

~Later on that week (about 5 days)

I was home alone as usual in my room - I had stayed there since I found out about the baby and luckily my family didn't ask any questions - when I heard the front door bell ring.

I thought that if I left the person ringing the door long enough, they would go away eventually. After about 25 minutes of nonstop ringing that was coming from the doorbell, I finally got up and made my way toward the door, with a very annoyed face. I quickly swung the door open.

"Can you please stop ringing the fucking bell, nobody's home."I screamed in the persons face, without checking who it was first.

But I soon realized that the person at the door was Luke, holding a bouquet of roses.

"And what do you want now?" I spat at him.

"I just came to say that I am sorry for how I reacted. I'm fully aware of how much you're going through and I want to be there for you and the baby. I know that this wasn't only your fault, I mean, I'm the one with a willy." he  chuckled at his end comment but I just looked unamused.

I wasn't staring at him because I couldn't believe what he just said. I was staring because I didn't know how to tell him that, there is no baby to be there for.

"Can you please say something, even if you don't forgive me and won't let me into the baby's life that's fine but you have to know that I'm really so-"

"There is no baby to be there for." I said in just a little bit louder than a whisper.

"What?" he asks in disbelief.

"I had a miscarriage. All the stress and worrying caught up to me about a week ago. I couldn't help it, I'm sorry." I say, as I break down in tears.

I knew that as soon as I let my first tear fall, Luke was a goner.

He clung to me for dear life and I returned the action. After losing something that was apart of you for such a short time, you just need someone there who you can talk to and cry with. I had no one until now, so I just let it all out.

He was worse off than me. He was shaking so hard while we spoke. He finally came forward and took responsibility for his actions, but there was nothing there to take responsibility for and I hated myself for losing it. I knew by the look on his face, when I opened the door, that he was ready to be a father.

It was my fault, I know it was, but I would never say that to Luke because to this day he still blames himself.

He always says, "If I hadn't reacted that way we could still have had a baby." and I reply the same every time, in the only way that I know how.

"Everything happens for a reason"

i can still remember that day that He came to the house, how much we bonded over our shared pain. We were both stupid teenagers at that time, we didn't know what bringing a life into this world really meant. We didn't understand how precious that feeling is.

Luke and I stayed together after that incident, waiting for the day when we would both be ready to start a family that we had lost so many years ago.