poems

This Doesn't Feel Right

"That's kinda gay"
everyone around me laughs
and so do I, because I don't know
what 'gay' means, and I assume it's funny
if everyone laughs.
I'm in 5th grade and have never heard the word gay.

"Dude don't be so gay"
Kids laugh and even though I don't pay them much mind,
I know gay isn't something to laugh at.
I am in 6th grade and have just realized
that gay is and never has meant stupid
or what the boys will say it does.

"Why do you act so gay all the time bro?"
I tense and speed up.
I'm sure the boy who said that is not meaning to be rude,
but I feel uncomfortable
with people using gay as an insult.
I notice my friend tenses a bit as we walk by.
We are in 7th grade and she is worried to tell me she loves differently than her own.

"God why are you so GAY? "
I tense. I falter, clenching my fists, starting to turn before I think better of it.
I am in 8th grade, I have only just realized why that word
always bothered me so much.

"Man, that's so fucking gay"
I inhale, exhale, close my eyes.
How long does it take them
to realize
that that word
isn't theirs to laugh at,
to use like an insult?
Like it's a bad thing
to be different...

Is it?

And I've heard something like this every day,
at least three times a day,
since that first time,
in 5th grade.

...

I'm still here.
Same place, same people.
It never ends

This doesn't feel right...
It never will.

...