Unloving my First Love (First Love Series 1)

Chapter 20: First Love, Afterall

Dale

How does each story starts and how does it end? Does all ending means new beginning?

I was just 15 and Chico was 18 when he broke up with me. It took us a year and a half to talk maturely. I guess time really helped us calmed down, being away from each other helped us think about what happened to us..Well for me, it's not moving on yet because we still couldn't get over the love we have for each other but in the mean time, we have to live  separately, live away from each other. Chico has to work on his parent's dream and same as me, I'm still young, we are still young. There's great things ahead for the both of us. Loving me became a poison to Chico, he was a mess after our break up but our love is also his salvation. Chico has to go back in Batangas after a few days in staying here, that's where his parents wanted him to be so he can stay away from bad vices. Nagpaalam naman siya sa akin ulit.  He told me that he'll fix everything for me, that he'll change for the better so he can come back to me. I told him that I don't want another Chico, I just want him, My Chico, my ever loving Chico. We just need to be apart so we can fulfill our own dreams without each other. So he can be fixed. And so I can move on as well with my Dad's death.

When I think about love, I always think about Chico. And when I think about him, his love always make my heart happy. After we talked, I buried all the things that he did to hurt me, I know that he didn't want to hurt me in the first place. I only wanted to remember the love that he has for me the entire 3 years.

As I look back, I realized that Chico's jealousy is not just about being selfish, actually it is not at all, he just wanted to protect me kaya ayaw nya na didikit ako sa lalaki. I was in grade 6 when I told him I was almost abused when I was 8, he hugged me tight, tears form in his eyes, and from then on he saw how fragile I was, kaya ayaw nyang madidikit ako sa lalaki. He is preventing it from happening again, he protected me. I didn't realize it til this day. There are days during school days that we can't see each other but he always made sure that he'll make up on those days that we're not together. And even if we're both busy with studies, he'll find way to see me. Their family is not rich but he would buy me gifts and feed me sometimes out of his allowance. He would always tell me how much he loves me every time making me feel secured, he knows I have lots of insecurity and his way to erase it is to shower me with his I love yous and I miss yous and making me feel loved and important all the time. Whenever I'm down, he'll hug me and will  let me lean on his shoulder, as if he's telling me that he won't leave me no matter what. When he kissed me, it is as if, he's promising that we'll be together forever. And when he hold my hand, it always mean he doesn't want to let me go. 

For the past years, I lived my life the way I wanted. I live to fulfill my dreams, I wanted to do everything that will make Mommy happy, that will satisfy her at least, but as the same time, I wanted to be ready for Chico, I wanted to be better for him. Para pagbalik niya, I can give him what I promised that I'll embrace him again with all my heart and with all my love. But sometimes, things won't go our way, I would end up thinking about everything that happened in the past and would feel that it's a failed relationship. Later on, someone closed to my heart told me that we failed but not the relationship, our relationship is full of love and loyalty. We're just hurt that we failed to look at it that way, we were young and our hearts couldn't fight the pain. As we go on our separate ways, there are times that I would ask, did I try UNLOVING HIM? did I try UNLOVING MY FIRST LOVE.  The answer is Yes, I tried to but not to forget him, but it's because I wanted to give him a different kind of love - a love more than love. A love that will last more than a lifetime. 

I was cut off when one of my students asked:

"Eh mamm, paano na yan? hindi na kayo nagkatuluyan ni Sir Chico?", Alyssa, one of my Comp Tech student.