wander

1|i hate u, but i'm forced to love u

"I hate you", I shouted before I slammed the door in my moms face.
I felt the thick Louisiana air stick to me like glue. I didn't know where to go. I didn't have anywhere to go. No one knew me. I was just the kid in the back of the class who knows all the answers but doesn't want to share them.

I had been walking for half an hour and these flip flops weren't doing me justice. I found myself at a small shop and picked out a pair of tennis shoes. Ten bucks spent of the fifty I had always kept in my back pocket. Thank fuck I also had my debit card in the back of my phone case. I decided to keep walking until sunset. I just thought I'd stay near a bench for the night until I found a kids play park I knew was around here somewhere.

The sun lathered me like honey in the early summer morning and I felt my skin on the sticky play equipment. I peeled my leg off the slide and chose to keep walking. The nostalgic playground scent left me as I moved on from the familiarity  I knew and loved. Loved. Past tense. I need to move on. I don't belong here.

Ugh I hate my mom. I know that you have to love your parents because their your parents. But why? My mom hasn't done shit for me. I don't have a reason to love her. Dad left her. So I'm leaving her too. She deserves it though. All those years she told me that I was a disgrace. That I was unwanted. Yeah I wouldn't want me either. Look at me.

Basic brown hair. Basic brown eyes. Basic body. I'm not special. I'm average. If anything, below average. No one at school acknowledges me so I guess if I leave they won't care either. I think that's a good thing. I don't want to be found. At least, I don't think I do.

My stomach growls. Pulling me out of that mindset. "Shit!", I think. "I haven't eaten in hours."
I keep limping until I find a corner store that will sell chips and water or something that I can eat. I know my standards. I'm not going to starve myself just because I'm upset. I know that's wrong. I can't hurt myself more. I just can't.

I see a sign with a town name I don't recognise and just guess there'll be a store nearby. At least I hope so. I don't know how long it will be until I find another store. It's not far from wherever I am now so I motivate myself not to take a break.

My eyes sparkle as I see a gas station and I know there'll be something there. I pick up the pace and get to there before I can even think of what I want. I'm so thankful there was something near her. I can't go back now. It would make me look weak and I'll never hear the end of it. God even me imaging the story my mom would lecture me if she saw me in this state.

I shake it off and just look at the array of coloured chip packets in front of me. I just grabbed a bag or two of the salted ones. I didn't really care I just needed something to support me on the weird journey I was taking. I went to the refrigerated section and took out a few bottles of water. The worker stared at me like I was a dehydrated mess. And I probably was. But I didn't like people staring so I flipped him off and slammed a ten dollar bill on the table and walked off, ripping a bag from behind the till.

I really do hate people.