The G Word.

25.

Alex .

"Hey Alex!" Lee yells as he jogs towards me in the halls .
I can't stand to look at him right now , I'm not in the mood for anyone .
I close my locker and start to walk off pretending I hadn't seen him , hopefully he stays away from me . I feel like I'm boiling over with anger ,so much of it . The more I think about home if I can I can even call it home anymore , the more agitated I get .

I can't even tell anyone because Lee took away the one person I actually spoke to , Sophie on the other hand , I haven't seen her in a while and she won't pick up my calls so I should probably go check on her at her house .
Maybe even ask to move in with her .

I quicken my pace to get away from him . He keeps calling me .
"Hey Alex hold up !" He yells and unfortunately catches up to me placing a hand around my shoulder .

I lift it and move away from him , " what's wrong ?" He asks genuine concern showing on his face .
" I'm just tired okay ." I say and begin to walk ahead of him hoping he'll get the message .
"Hey wait , what's ... what's up with you ?" He asks again .

"Nothing okay . I'll see you at practice ." I say bluntly and emotionlessly .
He still presses on " Alex ..." He begins .

"Lee , I don't have time for this I gotta get to class ,so could you please go somewhere else or something ..." I say and take larger steps Infront of him leaving him standing there blank and confused .
I honestly don't feel bad at all for being rude , he hasn't been showing up for practice just so he could go hang out with Quinn .
We haven't come up with a choreography for a solo dance yet .
He honestly deserves it .

**********

" Alex !" Someone else calls out to me in the halls again .

I reluctantly turn around only to be met by the person I really didn't want to see today , Quinn .
"Mm." I give a short hum as I'm really not interested in whatever she has to say to me .
"Hey ..." She say grabbing my arm to turn me around to face her.
I roll my eyes but still oblige , if it would make her leave faster .
"Can we talk ?" She mumbled in a low tone .

"No ." I turn around to grab my bag .
"Hey ... come on , please ?" She begs turning me around to face her .

"No." I remove my arm from her grin .

"Alex please , don't be mad at me , please ?" She begs .

"Quinn I'm gonna be late for dance practice so if you don't mind ..." I say waving my hand to the right signalling her to move which she does reluctantly .
I start to walk off and she has the nerve to touch me again ,I swear to god...

"What,Quinn?" I grumble.

"Look at least give me a chance , lex I beg you ." She pouts .
I know all to well that no matter what she says ,she'd drop me for Lee any time so I'll just let her waste her time .

"Okay ..." Her phone buzzes and I bet you I can guess who she's smiling at .

"It's Lee isn't it ?" I ask smirking despite the heat rising in my chest .

"Uh ,yeah hey can we talk tomorrow before school ?"

There's so many things id like to call her , so many insults I'd like to throw in her face but I just bite my lip and observe her , I'm just too mad to speak .

"Alex?"

I don't answer I just leave her there standing just as her little boy crush had stood .

***********

I walk into the auditorium and Lee's already there , I avoid eye contact and soon as he opens his mouth to speak .

"Alex are you sure you're okay ?" He asks again .

"Just play the song ." I persist and  fold the sleeves of my baggie hoodie .
He turns it on , still staring at me trying to figure me out .

I keep trying to ignore the anger the pain and devastation but I can feel myself crumbling .
The song itself isn't helping at all

(Lovely by Khalid and Billie Eilish )

You know most families get to be normal and happy . They get to feel safe with eachother , to trust that they can find peace in eachother .Most kids look forward to the end of a school day or the end of the term .
Most kids get to share their troubles and fears with their parents and confide in them fully .
Most teens going through this awkward phase of spikes in moods and anxiety and emptiness ...they get to break down in their parents arms and cry when they're too tired to go on , too tired to put on a smile .

All I get to do is pick up the shattered pieces of a woman now a former shell of herself .
I get to experience the worry of one day opening my front door to find a dead Felipe or Isabella on the doorstep .
I get to worry about whether or not they're already in jail or If they've  been trafficked and are already halfway to another country .
I get to feel tired and empty all the time , I get to have emotional spikes with no one to talk to .
I get to watch other girls do stuff with their dads and I get to only now feel hatred for my family .
I get  to be invited to Thanksgiving at my dad's new house with his new wife , I get to watch my mom force a smile for them and then later chug whole bottles of vodka and vomit her guts out .
I get to watch how love destroys people to a point of no recognition .
They say love is like giving someone a gun pointed right at your heart and trusting them not to pull the trigger , well I get to watch my dad pull that trigger over and over .

I get to have a lot of money and cool expensive stuff , I get to go to a prestigious private school and be considered a "cool kid " yet deep down I'd give it all up  to  have my happiness back .
I get to have everything most people think they want and feel like complete trash .

Isn't it lovely ?

"Time out ."I say and grab my stuff  to leave .
I keep messing up the steps and my mind is too blank to think up a choreography .

"Alex ." Lee grabs my hand and turns me around , despite the large curly bangs over my eyes I can tell from his expression he can see the tears welling up in my eyes .
I'm not ready to have a heart to heart talk so I pull my hand away and leave as quickly as I can.

"Woah!" I screech as a red BMW comes right at me on the road ...

🙂🙂🙂🙂