Masochistic Sonder | 𝐻𝒮 | Harry Styles

Chapter Nineteen: Make Me Disappear

Chapter Nineteen: "Make Me Disappear"

I WAS exhausted. That was the most interaction I had ever had with a bunch of people and this time it was a family, it wasn't that awkward they kept constant reciprocal conversations and in my head, I just made it more awkward than it should have been.

"Stop looking at me."

William stared even more at my fragile body, I was meditating trying to understand my emotions after that night, he was looking, gazing perhaps, he did it in silence so I wasn't supposed to be bothered by his staring.

I noticed how his petty self grabbed my chair that was at the desk and pulled it in front of my bed but I still sat at the side of my bed quietly.

"I don't want to," -he answered shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly- "don't you feel-"

"Anything?"
"How about you, don't you feel emotions? I can't even believe you, William, what was that of before, I couldn't stop thinking about your outburst this afternoon, I should be asking that question, what do you feel, was everything you did before I left an act?"
I repeatedly looked his way, feeling like I took off the weight of my chest and then sadly I couldn't care less, I wouldn't have talked about that topic ever again.

"It wasn't," he answered.

I felt a rush of anger or was I attempting to feel something?

"William, open that mouth and speak, say the truth, don't lie to me!" I ordered.

"You don't feel like any other person, that's the truth, right?" He asked.

I was tired of him barking back, we weren't even arguing, we were just talking but something was irritating me about that statement.
I stood up and looked towards him with a surprised look on my face, he looked up to me with glittering eyes trying to read my expression.

When his eyes in mine became unbearable I looked down to my fingers, they ripped each other tormenting one another and I felt like I could throw up any moment soon, I felt like I could have crumbled and never been able to get up.

"You work, you're barely alive, all that is on your mind is work, it's like your bonding over a trauma and that's what you're not supposed to do, Aaliyah," he whispered, calling out for me as if I was a kid, just like I used to call Harry to come out of his hiding.

Those words caught my attention, making me furrow my brows and I looked right into his concerned eyes.

He continued: "then from time to time, you'd often give yourself time to rest, acting like everything's okay around your friends when was the last time you cried?" That pathetic concerned look on his face didn't leave and I hated it more than ever.

"How about you, do you feel something?"

"How do you want me to feel something, Aaliyah?" He barked standing up, his eyes burning into mine.

"Show me you can feel," I replied in a whisper, I felt scared because William had never shouted at me like that but I knew he wouldn't have hurt me.

His wings unfolded wide, while we gazed at each other: me waiting for him to do something and him, well I didn't know what was going through his mind and the half-smile on his lips didn't help.

My eyes shifted towards something fluffy and white falling onto my carpet and at the beginning, I found it hard to see what exactly it was, then I noticed his feathers were slowly falling.

"William-" I tried to whisper but I felt something blocking my throat, it hurt. I brought my trembling and sweaty hand to my mouth and quietly watched.

William pulled together his eyebrows and looked at me, his eyes went back to glimmering, he noticed mine and reached out his hand towards me and I stepped back nearly tripping, over nothing, was it my fault?

"You know what? I'm sorry for shouting-" he stopped as soon as another feather fell into his hand, he must have felt it because William gave me a look to then slowly look downwards towards his now shaking hand.
He stared at what was in between his fingers so quietly that it felt like it was just me alone in my bedroom, was it?

His knees seemed to give up holding onto his misery, as he slowly knelt onto the carpet, with his other hand he reached towards his hair and moved them away from his face.

William filled his lungs with air and even breathing looked painful for him; I rushed over to him, tired of standing there looking at him falling apart right in front of my eyes just like the first time we met: I could hardly hold him together, this time I wasn't going to fail him again.

"I'm sorry," I said, wrapping my hands around his neck and he laid his tired head on my abdomen, his hands wrapped around my waist.

He didn't say anything, he just cried.
That was the first time I had ever heard him cry, his laments were quiet till they grew even louder.

"I never wanted to hurt you, I'm sorry," I repeated, leaning my body forward smothering my hands in between his long black hair, I wanted him to know that I felt scared and sick at the same time.

I needed to feel him, I needed to know that he was real and that whatever was going on had to be real and not a bad dream due to my despair.

"Look, everything I touch tends to fall apart so please if you love me, William, try to help me keep your pieces together."

He just looked up to me, I looked down. His eyes were teary and he cried, even more, I shifted Williams' hair back revealing his spotless forehead, his eyes were sad and angry at the same time and his little nose was flared by all the effort of crying.

"I want to disappear, Aaliyah, please make me disappear!" He cried out then after a while he cooled down but he was still holding back, I could feel it, his hands still held each other at my back.
I said those words to myself years ago, I still did but hearing it from another person out loud was dreadful. If I couldn't take care of myself what made me think I could take care of William?

I wanted to shout out loud, if he couldn't I would have shouted for him, then something came up in my mind: I wanted to take care of William so that's what I did.