Masochistic Sonder | 𝐻𝒮 | Harry Styles

Chapter Seven: Out Of The Darkness

Chapter Seven: "Out Of The Darkness."

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING AWAKE, again?" I heard Bastet, her voice was quiet and it slowly made its way through the darkness behind me as she opened the doors.

She had been at my house for the past five days and this was the thousandth time I had been crying for no reason at all, I mean I really did have a reason but I was so negligent of it. I just wanted to let it all out even if there was nothing to let out at that moment.
"Nothing in particular, I just really like the feeling of being outside at night, the wind and the moonlight, you know what I mean?" I replied.

"Are you sure?"
"Those are the only things that make you sit out here in the cold, with only your lingerie on," she asked. Maybe I had been scared from what happened days ago and my way of coping was going back to the place where it occurred.

"Yes, even if that means sitting on these cold tiles," I argued back. Hitting my bare hand against the tiles, I looked to my side and up to her and she smiled bringing her lips into a thin line, she was definitely concerned.

"You're so unique, Aaliyah!" She shouted out loud as she walked back into the bedroom, there it run back again towards me that sense of loneliness, I listened to the dripping of rain as I hoped that Bastet would quickly come back; it made me sick to the stomach how I used her to have a reason to live and she probably knew it but she never talked about it and I never admitted it to her.

"You won't believe this, call me crazy but while I was asleep I felt the urge to tell you the truth, I mean I've been feeling it for a very long while," her voice came running back, kicking away that sense of loneliness that was slowly taking over me, a warm cloth gently fell on my shoulders, the warmth filled an empty shallow hole in me. I looked up towards her, to see Bastet in her lingerie as well and she sat right next to me.

"I haven't told anyone yet and I feel like I'll get judged," she said and I didn't take my eyes off her, she looked away and towards the sky, her short hair fell on shoulders as she raised her chin, the moonlight shone on her delicate face features and she looked breathlessly beautiful.

"As I said before, I really like it when you buy me gifts and everything I could possibly ask for," she said looking back at me and I understandingly smiled and nodded as a sign for her to keep going; the issue was that I wasn't understanding anything, I was clueless of where exactly she was trying to take this truth towards.

"I'm asexual," she admitted looking away and lowering her head towards her scraped knees, her tender hands wrapped around them pulling them together, her fingers were shivering and her fingertips were white as she tightly grabbed onto her skin, it must have been the cold of that night or the fear she felt after she confessed, that made her tremble.

"Peace comes from within, do not call for it, make it call you, don't seek it without."
That's what William used to say and in situations like that I clearly understood that she was trying to find a stable point in her life by telling me who she really was, obviously she wasn't at peace with herself in the first place and I was ready to nurture her through whatever difficulties she was going through and be understanding.

"I thought that if I told you, I'd feel better with myself but now I'm pretty nervous, maybe I should have just kept quiet because clearly you're not okay yourself," she mumbled hidden in her arms.

"Tell me about it," I said.
I tucked her hair behind ear and gently smiled even though she couldn't see.

"About what exactly?" She asked looking up to me, she looked like she had traumatised till the point she had forgotten, I smiled even harder to reassure her.

"Tell me about what exactly made you want to come out, especially to me, what made you think I wouldn't step all over you just for being yourself and how you feel about it right now," I gently explained to myself. I placed my hand on her soft cheek and she laid her head on my hand, I could feel her soft skin and she looked up to me and smiled, I could still see how dilated her eyes were. A thing I loved about her were her eyes, they reminded me of a cat's.

"Remember when I used to say I liked any guy at our old university, I used to say it because I didn't want to be left out, well I never found anyone attractive and it doesn't come from any relationship trauma," she confessed, she whispered her words like she was confessing a sin and it sounded like the most beautiful prayer I had ever heard, it sounded like a sonnet from deep inside her heart.

"I feel like I'm happy whenever I'm with you, whenever you buy me something, I feel like I can trust you and talking about it right now calms me down,"she says with a smile on her lips.

"You shouldn't feel like you owe me something about yourself," I said, the moment I cared quickly went away dissolving into thin air and now what was left of me was nothing, I didn't feel nothing, not even special.

I was concerned that she thought that coming out as Asexual was going to affect her life in any way and that she's been thinking about telling me, for how many days then?
Love wasn't always and isn't about under people's clothes.

"There's nothing to be insecure about," I said.
She looked scared but then she warmed up to me with a smile on her lips, she talked and I couldn't stop looking at them, I loved to see her happy and I wouldn't have let anything get in between me and her.