His Happiness For Mine

I Will Give You All My Heart

TW/// MENTIONING SELF HARM 

LOUIS POV 

*three months later* 

I am trying to get myself put together to sadly go out with Eleanor. I really want to go see my Hazza... so bad. We are on speaking terms, but he still won't hear me out. Everyday it eats me up inside, and I don't know how to deal with this anymore. I am really trying to keep myself going, but it's hard...

I looked at myself in the mirror, and wanted to throw up at the sight of myself. Fresh cuts were marked up on my wrists and hips. Old scars covered the same areas, but in different parts. I am officially broken without him as mine. 

I never thought that I would turn up like this; so mentally fucked up that I pretty much want to die. I put a shirt on and a jumper to make sure my arms are covered. I was about to grab my keys and wallet to go out the door when my phone started buzzing. I walked over and my heart skipped a beat. It was Harry... my hazza. He is calling me I thought feeling very giddy inside. 

"Hello" I said trying to downplay how I was feeling. 

"H-hey Lou" he stuttered; his voice deep. I melted at his voice. 

"Why did you call Haz. Not that I am complaining... not at all." I said my heart racing in anticipation. Just wanting to know why he called. 

"I uh can I please come over so we can talk." he asked me shyly. I do have to meet Eleanor, but at this point fuck her. I need my Hazza more than I need my career at this point. Like I know... I understand how fucked it is to self harm, but when you are alone at night with just your thoughts and no one there to help you it just happens. I really regret it most of the time, but it does make me feel a whole lot better. 

"soooo is that a no then" he asked snapping me out of my thoughts.

"oh uh yea of course Harry. You know where to find me." I told him since I still live in our apartment. Well... my apartment I guess. He told me that he would be here in about twenty minutes and I decided to make myself some tea. I brewed myself some and left some water in the pot in case harry wanted any. I sat down on the couch and watched some football on the T.V. while I waited. 

My legs couldn't stop bouncing because of the nerves and I did feel a bit nauseous. I finally heard a knock on the door. I got up and pretty much ran to it. I opened it to see my beautiful Haz. He looked at me and just gave me a small smile. I stepped out of the way to let him in and shut the door behind him. 

"I uh- do you want some tea." I asked him awkwardly not knowing what to say. He just nodded... why isn't he talking I thought getting a bit nauseous again. I brewed the tea and added more to my cup and carefully brought them to the living room where harry was sitting on the couch. "Thank you" he finally spoke as I gave him his cup. 

"Your welcome" I said and sat myself down on the other side of the couch. I was starting to get a bit too nervous and I decided I was going to start talking and just finally get my side of the story out before he could say anything. I set down my cup and cleared my throat. 

"Listen Harry I want to say something before you start talking. So the whole Eleanor situation was actually Simon paying her extra to make it look like we had sex together. I called Eleanor and she confessed what she did. She kept egging me on to drink more so I wouldn't remember and took us to a hotel that Simon payed for, and she left the hotel making it look like... well you know." I said, but I wasn't finished. 

"The whole thing Brianna was just a drunken blur... I didn't even know what I was doing to be completely fucking honest. You of all people know that having a kid now was not what I wanted... no where near it. Harry if you genuinely believe that I am over you or was trying to be. Your so fucking wrong. I love you so much it fucking hurts..." I finished tears pouring out of my eyes. I just miss him so much, so so much. 

"Lou I missed you so so much... I don't know why I was being such a closed off little shit. I guess I was just scared. Liam told me that he knew that the whole thing with Eleanor wasn't you but I was being so damn stubborn and I just hid in Liam's apartment." Harry said looking down at the ground. 

"I was almost ready to come home, but then the whole thing with Brianna happened and it kind of just pushed me back into the hole I was in when the whole thing with Eleanor happened. Liam and Zayn were trying to help, but it just didn't actually help. I missed you so much boobear and I love you even more. I'm still going to just have some trust issues I guess cause I don't want to have to go through that again... but we are stronger together." Harry added tears also rolling down his cheeks. 

"Hazza I missed you so much too I cant even begin to describe the pain I was in." I said jumping on him and showering his face with kisses. I wrapped him up in a hug and burried my face in his neck. He let out a sigh and wrapped his arms around me squeezing as if his life depended on it. 

"Louis I'm sorry that I was so stubborn" he said still squeezing me tightly.

"Haz it's okay... I'm sorry for being such an idiot and such a fuck up... I shouldn't of gotten shitfaced again I was just so fucking miserable." I told him tears coming down my face again. He pulled back and just looked at me like I was crazy. "what.." I asked confused. 

" you are no where near a fuck up loubear. Please don't say that again babe" Harry said sadly. I didn't really know what to say so I just kissed him. I will never get over the electricity that shoots through my body and the butterflies in my belly every time we kiss. Things got a little more heated than I thought they would and Harry ripped off my shirt before I had anytime to react. 

I grabbed a pillow to try and cover myself up, but it was to late. His eyes went wide and his mouth was agape. I just threw my jumper back on and stared at the ground. I didn't know what to tell him... hell I wasn't even planning on telling him. He took my arm and rolled my sleeve up. He traced the scars and cuts with his finger pressing gentle kisses on them. "Loubear... why" he choked out. 

"I don't.... I don't really know. I guess everything just b-became t-too much." I stuttered new tears running down my face. I swear to god I'm a little girl. I cry to damn much. Harry also was crying "Boobear never p-lease don't do it anymore. I'm so so sorry Lou..." Harry sobbed out. Why would he even think this was his fault.

"Haz this isn't your fault. Like I said I'm a fuck up. I deserved it." I told him very much telling the truth. 

"Louis William Tomlinson you don't deserve this. You don't deserve to feel so sad that you hurt yourself... no one does. I don't want to see anymore marks on your beautiful self. Please promise me that you won't do it anymore. Your not a fuck up babe. I don't know what Simon is saying, but he is just a homophobic asshole who doesn't deserve an artist as amazing as you." Harry ranted and pulled me into another bone crushing hug. Yea cause that's the truth I thought. 

"I- I promise Hazza." I said halfway telling the truth. He doesn't know that I also smoke now, which I know he hates, but it is a longterm form of self harm that also gives you a buzz. what a plus. 

"Lou I promise to be more understanding. I know you don't like Eleanor... It was just alot. I just cant believe Simon would do such a thing... well I can, but that is besides the point. We are unbreakable." he stated and I just smiled at my boy. Man it felt nice to be able to say he was mine again. 

AU// HEY GUYS HOPE YOU ALL ARE ENJOYING THE STORY :)) LEAVE ANY FEEDBACK OR QUESTIONS IN THE COMMENTS. LOVE YOU ALL. ~ M