A Song for the Devil

How We Remember You

When we return to Azuchi the days and months pass by in a blur. I feel like I am merely floating from day to day, just waiting for the days to end so I can lay in the futon next to Hideyoshi, falling asleep to the sound of his heartbeat and slipping into dreams of the three of us together again. I dream of what it could have been like to raise our children, to run the country, and spend our days together. When I wake there are usually already tears streaming from my eyes and Hideyoshi is already holding me tightly.

When we arrived back to the castle it was already dark and we went straight to the tenshu upon habit. It wasn't until we got to the door that we both stopped. We stood there for what felt like an hour, breathing unevenly. "This feels wrong..." I whisper.

Hideyoshi hums "Hm. Maybe we could stay somewhere else..."

I took a deep breath before responding. "No. This is where we should stay." I slide the door open and was stopped by his hand. When I turn to look up at his face his brows are knit and shaky. His voice is unsteady as well as he speaks. "If his things are still in there... or if they aren't... I don't know which one I want... I don't know which one will be more painful..."

I completely turned around and wrap my arms around his neck. "Neither... both... I don't know either..." He closes his eyes and pushes the door open behind me before pressing his lips to mine for a brief kiss, one for courage, another for comfort as he pushes us into the room. More kissing, desperately trying to avoid looking at the room, but the smell of jasmine flowers and incense bring back memories, and we both press further into each other's lips.

Nobunaga and I's wedding night, his patience, the way he touched Ranmaru, the way he touched me for the first self administered pleasures, it all floods my mind as Hideyoshi begins tugging at my clothes and I am doing the same to his. The night the three of us stayed here, before heading to my village, the way the three of us held each other, my mind is being overwhelmed by the memories of that morning; waking up early, bringing food to them, the way Nobunaga watched as Hideyoshi took me on the table, providing support until his time came to fill me. "Hide..." I moan as his teeth graze my shoulder and my kimono falls to the ground. "Open your eyes with me?" I wish I felt strong enough to make my words a command, but I can't do this if he doesn't do it with me.

"No." He growls and suddenly I feel a silk sash around my eyes being carefully tied behind my head. "I know this room as well as my own body. I don't need my eyes yet."

I brought my hands from behind his neck to the sides of his face to find he had already bound another sash around his own eyes. He brought his lips to mine again in a slow, languid, kiss before scooping me up, naked, and walking us to the futon to lay me down. I heard the sliding of his robes to the floor before feelingl his warm skin against my back. His hands glide over my belly and slides down between my legs. Without sight everything felt more sensitive. The smell of Hideyoshi's sweat and the outside air that still clung to him, the taste of his lips, sweet and hungry; His breath is like strong winds across a field when he pulls and pushed the air through his nose, unwilling to part our lips. His touch felt hard, I am unsure if he had always pressed this firmly to me, or if this was when he started to.

I came for him faster than I have ever before. I tried to focus on creating when he moves behind me, his hands gripping my hips and pulling them up and spreading my thighs. My head presses into the pillow in front of me and I cry out, not from my husband entering me now, but because the smell of my first husband is still imbedded in this pillow, his sweat, his musk. "Find me" Nobunaga's voice echoes in my mind as Hideyoshi presses and pulls inside of me at a steady pace. His fingers gripped me so hard it hurt, but none of it compares to my heart, none of it brings me as much pain as Nobunaga's absence.