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46

I feel so useless.

How did I even become a doctor?

Do I deserve where I am right now?

I smiled bitterly as a memory passed by

"Sa tingin mo ba ay gigising ang pasyente mo kung iiyak ka?" Pagalit na singhal sa akin ni Dr. Leivare matapos ng isang sablay na operasyon.

We didn't get to save the patient.

Nanatili akong nakayuko at hinihintay pa ang kasunod ng mga salitang iyon.

"Tandaan mo, hindi lang utak ang kailangan sa propesyong ito. Kailangan mo rin ng lakas ng loob. Lakas ng loob hindi para sa madudugong operasyon kundi para sa katotohanang hindi lahat ng hawak nating pasyente ay masasagip natin." Mas kumalma naman ang boses niya rito

He then sighed

"Doktora, you are bright and I can see that in you but you need to realize that you are not a god to save everyone in need but you know? I see myself in you. I used to do that too but then I got used to it and I hope you would too." He tapoed my shoulder and went on his way

I buried his words into my heart and lived with it.

I got over of crying whenever a patient dies but there are times like these that I cannot hold back.

Sitting on the bench I held on my knees facing down. I am so devastated and disappointed with myself.

Kung hindi ako umuwi?

Kung nag-extend ako?

What if asa tabi niya ako?

May mababago ba?

I sighed as new set of fresh tears rolled to my cheeks. I saw a pair of feet stopped in from of me and when I raised my gaze I saw Mrs. Mañez faintly smiling.

She sat beside me and faced the wall in front of us. She was holding two canned coffee and she handed me one.

"S-salamat p-po." I gazed at my coffeeand stared at it

I felt a comforting hand on my hand on my lap.

"I do not want to talk to my daughter's doctor but to my daughter's friend." She held it firmly

I kept quiet

"Hija, do not feel useless. You did your best." I looked at her tears forming once more

"It's already a miracle for us that she fought this long and you made it possible." Still not letting go of my hand.

I looked at her and saw her tears welling up with lips shaking. I felt hand tremble upon mine.

"Seila, you don't know how much I am thankful to you. Alam kong alam mo na matagal nang gustong sumuko ng anak ko pero dshil sa'yo, she had the motivation to hope and to live." She took a pause to take a deep breath. "Bilang isang magulang mahirap maglibing ng anak pero mahirap makitang nahihirapan ang anak mo." she sniffled

"Kung hindi lang po sana ako umalis" bigla kong nahanap ang boses ko nananatili ang mga luha ko sa aking mga mata habang nakatingin sa pader.

"I could still remember her words before I left a few hours ago."

"She told you never to blame yourself?" Nanginginig ang boses niyang tanong

Shock painted my face.

"Magmula nang magkaroon siya ng pag-asang mabuhay, the possibilities never left her. She knows that if something happens you'd blame yourself. At ayaw niya 'yon." Sinulyapan ko siya at nakita ang marahan niyang ngiti "She told me that she has already been a burden when she was alive ayaw na daw niyang maging baggage pa sa'yo pag lumisan na siya." she then lifted her hand and grabbed somthing from her designer handbag.

From the bag she has drawn a royal blue leathered journal. "On her phone she noted that I must give this to you."

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First update of December!
I hope you have a safe and lovely holiday with your loved ones!