["I stood there: waiting, wanting, hoping, feeling. Allowing the sensations of the world to consume me as I stared deeply into the pools of honey that were his eyes. I wanted no more than to dive right in. For him to hold me close and never let go."...
[I love Casey, and there's nothing in the world that can change that. Not even him.]
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~~~ ~Casey~
A cool essence settled along the wooden planks of my bedroom floor. I stood against my bed solemnly contending with the choices leading to my current anguish. Each breath became more ragged as my reality became clearer.
I couldn't face him, I couldn't. It was too hard, and it hurt too much. Every time I looked at him, it reminded me of how stupid I was. Even if he does feel something for me, I couldn't let it happen. He deserved so much more than someone who couldn't get his thoughts straight; someone who would let him love them, not push him away out of fear.
I was a fool for thinking I could finally let him in. I'm even more of a fool for letting him think that, too.
I looked down at the scar on my arm and frowned. That night changed everything. Maybe if I hadn't let him hold my hand, we would still be talking right now. We would still be going on as if everything was okay.
A drip of water landed on my arm and startled me from my thoughts. I looked at it as it trailed down my skin and trickled from the tip of my finger onto the floor. It took me a moment to realize that at some point during my intense self-loathing, I had begun to cry.
"Fucking idiot." I cursed and rubbed my eyes.
I looked out the window and watched the wind shake the trees and rain pelt the world around me. It was dark out, past midnight, and the moon was high in the sky. But I wasn't tired, I was anything but that.
The nightmares I had before I phased had come back in full storm. It had gotten so bad that Jessie had to come in to wake me up again. She knew something had happened between Embry and me, but I refused to tell her. I didn't want to talk about it, not even with her. That would mean admitting my feelings, and I didn't have the strength to contend with them anymore. I just wanted to curl up into a ball and die in a hole and have the world forget about me. To have Embry forget about me.
The idea of him loving someone else made me weep, but it was what would be right. It was what would make him happy.
I sank to the floor and leaned against my bed. I hugged my knees and looked out the window with a sorrowful expression. Only one thought ran rampant in my head: I didn't deserve him.
~Embry~
It had been three days since we'd last spoke. I'd seen him and been in the same room as him, but he never spoke. He just stared at the ground with a vacant expression. He might've physically been in the same room as all of us, but mentally he was a million miles away.
