Let the Light In

Chapter 40: Endure

Chapter 40: Endure

Rey soon found herself taking Ben up on his offer, and a pattern developed.

She would clear out a temple, and he would meet her thereafter, having arrived 'too late to stop her', as far as the First Order was concerned. He would then let Rey rid herself of all suppressed anger and fear, with himself as the target. Ben very rarely fought back, and his own inner turmoil left Rey just as tense as when she would arrive. It was on their second meeting, however, where Rey silently convinced him to take out his agitation on her in return.

After all, it did not escape Rey's notice that she was not alone in her conflict. She knew he felt for her. She knew she felt for him. And yet...

They had orders, and those orders were not compatible. In all truth, they were already breaking rank by keeping this dance going for as long as it was, but if this was all it could be, then Rey found herself asking, why not?

It was not as if they talked during these meetings. They could convey hours of conversation in a single glance, even while they kept the bond tightly shut. The only time their connection was in use of late was when Rey called to him.

And more recently, when Ben called for her.

They would never fail to answer each other, and Rey found herself looking forward to their exhaustive collisions more than she had ever anticipated their illusionary sessions.

Perhaps it was the tangibility of the encounters. Perhaps it was the companionship they felt, both painfully aware that they were bending every rule to leave each other alive.

Rey would have liked to think it had nothing to do with how he held her when their time neared its end, and they collapsed against each other as they had on Geonosis. She preferred to think it had nothing to do with Ben's proximity, and the way he still maintained a tenderness that Rey knew she did not deserve. Rey would tell herself it had nothing to do with the way his heartbeat felt under her fingertips when she healed the wounds he had sustained, and the way Ben would absentmindedly touch her as she did so.

All these things Rey tried so hard to maintain, she knew were lies to help her sleep better at night. Though, she hardly slept at all. The terrors had returned in full force, and she would not allow herself to ask Ben for help. Rey knew she could not allow the understanding between them to crumble away, lest she lose herself completely to the malady of caring for one's enemy.

She tried to believe it wasn't too late for that, but every time she healed him, she knew she would be the cause of those wounds reopening. Every time she felt his fluttering heartbeat, she knew that she may be the cause for it ceasing.

Rey also knew that Ben felt the same dread whenever he held her.

Whenever they fought, whenever they looked at each other, the words flowed silently between them as they begged the other to join them. The wild gazes always grew more desperate and imploring as the dance would reach its conclusion. That line was always pushed as the necessary outcomes were brushed on.

Who would break? Who would give up?

Who would join, or who would strike the final blow?

Their locked eyes would plead for understanding, for reprieve. For forgiveness. Neither had yet formed the resolution to reach a conclusion.

Gradually, he had begun to craft his walls around himself once more, and Rey was almost grateful when she had arrived at their agreed location, and found Kylo Ren's impassive face looking back at her, only his eyes giving his deeper self away. The mask would hold for a while, but once his saber had touched her skin, Rey knew that the façade would drop not too far after. Ben could never hide himself from her for long, though he tried.