Let the Light In

Chapter 44: Replete

Chapter 44: Replete

Ben was back on Korriban, and sitting in an archival room that was devoid of all other people, for the time being at least.

This suited him just fine. He had more than enough on his mind. More specifically, he had more than enough of one thing on his mind.

Rey.

He was not angry at her, nor did he blame her for running away. All he had felt was hurt, and it still ached in his chest. At first, he had berated himself for daring to think she would ever want to stay. Then, he could not stop the flood of memories from the night that only proved the contrary. Rey had definitely reciprocated his feelings; that had been glaringly clear with her mind as bared and open to his as it had been. Ben had barely been able to hold himself together when he had become aware of that.

And yet she had left him.

He had felt her fear as she had fled out of the hold, and at first all he could do was stare after her, silently begging her to come back. Then he had felt pain bleed through his body, and more so when she shut him out of her own mind. When the initial feelings had subsided, he knew he would not be able to blame her at all.

Rey was wiser than he was.

Ben knew she was not going to join him in the First Order, and he knew she had most likely felt his similar stance on the Resistance.

He knew he would have been unable to let her go had he been awake when she was. It embittered him, but he knew she was right to leave. This did not, however, make what they had done any less than what it was.

Ben rested his forehead in the hand that was propped on the table.

Force...

He had slept with her. There was no going back from that at all. She had affected him with a mere kiss on Hoth. Now... Now he was lost to her. He would never be able to forget what it felt like to have her, after so long of needing her, and he would not be able to shake the dreadful longing it had incited in him.

For her, for what she stood for, and for all she had.

Ben knew he didn't deserve any of it. Not her, not her care or passion. None of it.

Yet she had been just as desperate as he had been.

He was scared to think she felt anything more for him than a mix of kindness and lust, but he knew her mind had reflected so much more. It tore him up inside that they were just one more thing that would not end well, not in this climate. If she was not with the First Order, she was against it, and Snoke would surely kill her.

As much as he wanted her to turn, equally so did he not want to lose any part of Rey that made her Rey. Especially after what they had done. Ben had positively revelled in her, and her Light, so lost was he in her. And he had enjoyed it. Frack he had enjoyed it. He had taken pleasure in every part of Rey. Her tenacity, her will, her joy, and every sound she had made as he had explored her. And the kyber crystal, his kyber crystal, hanging around her neck? Rey thrilled him at every turn, and he was utterly in awe of her. Ben couldn't bare for her to change, nor did he want her to. It was tantamount to sacrilege that he would let his mind consider the temptations of the Light. But he did, and it was a genuinely tantalising prospect.

Rey had dug her fingers into every part of him that he had ever tried to suppress, and dragged them out into the open, fostering them to strength. How could he deny it, when the sight of her body marked as it had been by the Vong had pushed him to heal, not out of anger or any inflammatory emotion as such, but want to make her whole while she tried to hide from the brokenness she had felt.