Let the Light In

Chapter 62: Committed

Chapter 62: Committed

Ben hated leaving her far more than he ever did letting her go. Rey had sported a brave face, but he knew her far better than that. He had seen the plea behind her eyes, and the way she was fighting the urge to beg aloud. In some part, he wished she had. Perhaps he would have been weak-willed enough to give in, and rely on the goodness of his mother alone to belay judgement and maintain his life while they all searched for Snoke.

Oh, Ben knew why Rey had let him go, in spite of her persistent threat to drag him back. He knew she wanted to make sure he had nothing left to hold against himself in 'could haves' and 'what ifs'.

Ben knew it wouldn't have been an impossibility, for during all the times Snoke had called him, Ben had grown increasingly aware of the currents surrounding the oncoming attack. The minute he had decided to leave Nar Shaddaa, he had almost reflexively blocked Snoke, and barely managed to prevent himself from doing so. Mercifully, Ben had caught himself. If he had blocked Snoke, then that would have been the end of the ruse, and Force only knew what would have transpired from there. That was not the case this time, and Ben was on his way to Devaron for an apparent regroup with some of the Elite commanders. Astonishingly enough, Snoke wasn't asking him to kill anything. Ben suspected that Snoke was priming, in which case he was very close... The only issue with the path of going back now, was if the Resistance at large would see value in keeping him alive long enough to find Snoke, rather than if Ben had the precise location.

It was far too late now, however. What he wanted to do was of no consequence, and Rey was most likely well on her way to some other planet. Besides, Ben had committed himself to this path. He truly did want to contribute to the Resistance's efforts, beyond inadvertently sabotaging the First Order as he had by continuing to side with Rey. Ben honestly wanted to show his uncle that he could do good, and he wanted to prove that his father's death hadn't just stayed a part of Snoke's failed plan to consume Ben Solo once and for all. He needed to do it...But Force he regretted leaving her, even though he knew he was making the right choice for the bigger picture. The Galaxy was far bigger than just two people, and Ben was responsible for so much, he could not let the chance slip away. As much as Ben wanted to run away with her then and there, he could not do all he had, and then vanish without doing anything to make it right.

Having said that, Ben definitely looked forward to the day where is could be just the two of them, with nowhere to go but day to day. It was unthinkable, how Rey wanted him around, how she felt about him. Stars above, but he was a lucky one. He knew perfectly well what she had found in his head during their afterglow, and he had watched her fumble around for a while before letting her know that he was awake. So what if Rey had seen that he loved her? So what if she wanted him around when all of this was over? So what if he was sitting in the cockpit, grinning like a lovesick fool from his mother's old holovid? He wanted her, and since there was nothing there to witness his giddy laughs but the cobalt blue of hyperspace, Ben was not about to deny himself the overwhelming joy that came with knowing Rey Kenobi wanted him too.

Ben rubbed his hands over his smile-split face, and found that his cheeks were very heated with the memory of their time together. Oh, he had been very right before. Rey was intoxicating, and he would never be able to get his fill of her. When they were younglings together, and even at her tiny stage, Rey had been the utter light of his life. His heritage was no secret amongst the other younglings, and it would be fair to say that children, when faced with seeming iniquity, were cruel. Ben's night terrors only made the differences between him and the others that much more obvious, and as they distanced themselves from him, so he willingly isolated himself. Of course, Ben now knew all this to have been Snoke's orchestration from the start, bar the one little shining star that he hadn't banked on. Little Rey Kenobi, a tenacious child who had made it her tiny life's goal to be Ben's shadow. At first, he was the only person she had felt comfortable talking to, but in a few short days, Rey- despite their age gap- became the closest thing Ben had to a friend since he had left Poe. Rey had never left his side if she could help it, and Ben had barely been alone again after her arrival. Ben had loved her for what she was, and never in all his wildest dreams would he have imagined her to become the one he would love like this.