Let the Light In

Chapter 47: Enough

There was no telling how long they stood like that, wrapped in each other and just taking refuge in the mere rise and fall of the other's chest with every precious breath.

Ben was still kissing Rey, a thrill shooting through him with every sigh that left her lips when she pressed them to his throat, incidentally, where the tail end of the scar she had given him ran. He clenched his arms around her, moving one hand to the back of her head to bring her closer, unable to be close enough.

He still shook, not from the injuries he had sustained, but due to the intense utterly shattering terror he had felt the moment Rey's presence had teased his senses...Along with Jayal's. Ben had never felt fear like that before, and never wanted to again. Not even Yavin had affected him to this degree, and Ben supposed that it was due to his advanced feelings of the woman in his arms. Compassion.

No, more.

So, so much more. So much more it scared him. It made him want to follow her anywhere, and do anything she asked of him. It made him war with what he knew and believed in for so long. He wanted to, Force he wanted to. Ben wanted so badly to take her hand when next she called and let her lead him wherever she chose. Most unbelievable of all, it made him hope that those whom he had wronged would find it in them to forgive him.

Chewbacca and Poe, two friends who had stuck with him through his early terrors. His mother, who had only done her best. His father, he prayed, from wherever he was would take mercy on him too.

And Luke. His uncle, the person whom he had taken everything from. His uncle, whom he called a fool out of spite and hurt. His uncle, who had acted as the closest thing Ben had to a father over those years at the temple, and who had also done only his best to show Ben his love.

Ben had betrayed them all to the highest degree, and if by some miracle they would want him back at all, he knew he would not deserve it.

But at the same time, the prospect filled him with dread, because even if the impossible happened, Ben knew he would still have to face the remnants of the Senate who functioned as the backing and therefore rulers of the Resistance. He knew they would hold him accountable for all he had done, and he knew they wanted him dead.

He could not allow Rey to become entangled in that.

Ben also knew that Snoke...Snoke would get exactly what he wanted, as he always had for all the centuries he'd lived. The only survivors of the Resistance would be the ones who fled or pledged allegiance.

Ben tightened his arms around Rey further, pressing his face into her hair and breathing deeply as she continued to soothe his trembling shoulders. Coolness that had nothing to do with the still-falling rain rippled out from wherever her fingertips roamed, and Ben moaned against her in contentment when the stinging in his body subsided. Gently, he administered the same treatment to her, surprised by how easily it came now that it was driven by a force outside of the Dark.

This precious woman...

Ben could not accept her death or persecution.

If she stayed with the Resistance, and he followed her, she would be tossed in with him as one more Force User the Senate would not trust. They would find no distinction between him and her, and they would charge her as they would charge him. Perhaps worse, or less, depending on how the Resistance citizenship at large saw Rey.

If she came back with him, Snoke would demand her allegiance, be it through willingness or torture. If she did not fold, she would be killed, just like every other Resistance member.

Every Resistance member.

His mother, Poe, Chewie, Luke.

Ben didn't know what to do. He didn't know what would be the best route to choose, he didn't know which alternative was the lesser of the two evils. Convince her to serve the new Order Snoke would create, or join her with the Resistance and die by her side? But Ben was a selfish man, and he would not lose her. He would not.