Let the Light In

Chapter 49: Clarity

Chapter 49: Clarity

Rey dozed peacefully in Ben's arms, fading in and out of consciousness every so often. Now, however, she was wide awake, with her head having drooped to his bare chest as they relaxed in slumber.

He was still asleep, and his heart beat steadily under her ear.

In his arms as she was, Rey's aching body did not bother her so much. The wounds from Dxun were healed, of course, but that did not mean she wouldn't feel the trauma. The warmth of Ben underneath and curled around her, however, eased the pain as she supposed she was alleviating his.

Rey was content to lie there, ignoring the digital numbers telling her they had only two hours to go till arrival at Korriban. Lazily, she traced light patterns on his skin with her fingertips, watching their movement intently as she felt him. She could feel the ridges of his scars, and ended up incorporating their jagged edges and stark lines into the patterns she drew. So engrossed was she in her ministrations that Rey did not notice Ben stirring till once large hand moved from its place slung over her back, to twine with her fingers.

"Sleep well?" Rey asked him, her own voice coarse from the nap.

"As well as five hours could afford," he mumbled in return, squeezing her against his chest, "It helped that there were no nightmares."

Rey hummed in agreement, unabashedly revelling in the feeling of being tucked against Ben with those thick blankets swathed around them.

"That," she laughed, "And a mostly undressed girl in your arms."

He snorted lightly, a deep, rumbling chuckle reverberating through his chest, "I suppose that could be part of it, yes."

Rey was not ignorant of the stress that was leaking into his voice, and she sighed.

"Ben," she moved her free hand to rub the back of his neck, "It's going to be alright, you'll see."

His voice was slightly strangled when he spoke again, but still neither of them rose above a whisper, "I can't lose you, Rey. I am terrified of what he'll do to you. . I am terrified of losing you."

Ben had let go of her hand, and was playing with the twine around her neck till his fingers held the kyber crystal.

"Now you understand," she raised her head and kissed his jaw, and shivering when his knuckles brushed her collarbone, "Why I came at all. For fear of losing you."

There was still reluctance in Ben's eyes, but Rey could see the begrudging acceptance grow. He flicked his gaze from hers, and looked to the blue that rushed past the viewport. They sat in silence for a little while, with Ben looking out, and Rey looking at him.

Eventually, his shifting expressions crumbled into words, and he let the crystal drop against her chest again as he trailed his fingers down and over her arm to clutch her lower back again.

"I miss my father every day. Every day I regret what I did, because every single day I'm reminded that killing him- someone I loved- did not wipe out the call to the Light in me-"

Rey didn't say a thing, she just sat back on his lap, and rubbed soothing swirls into his shoulder and neck muscles. Ben did not look like he was finished.

"-And every day since, I've been wondering what it would be like, to give in. To go. Would it even be possible? Would anyone even welcome me at all, after everything?"

He looked at her again, his face bitterly sad and imploring. Her heart ached in her chest, but still she remained quiet.

"-Then I remember all the things I've done," he sighed in deflated defeat, "as a torturer, as a Jedi hunter, as a murderer, and I'm reminded that I don't deserve any of what I dream or wonder of. Never will. It's during such times that I realise there is nothing in the entire Galaxy to make up for everything I've caused."