Don't tell me nonsense

A mix of emotions

Another day, another dollar; well pound. I got up today and felt inspired. I thought, you know what imma live for me, imma live like everyday is my last and when that last day comes, at least I know I lived it to the fullest. I felt like Mo'nique in Phat girls when she woke up and accepted that she would never be a size 0, but that she was perfect the way she was.

I got up showered, got dressed, then looked in the mirror and told myself something I haven't said in a while: I love you. I thought it could be a turning point, where the odds where stacked in my favour and not against me.

"Morning mum, I'm off to school, love ya." Love, a word I hadn't referred to or even used, in God knows how long.

"i love you too, have a great day at school." Great day, not even good, great. I chuckled to myself and went downstairs to eat breakfast. When my mum reciprocated the I love you, I heard a spark of hope and life. For the first time I could hear the conviction in the words she spoke to me. It was like I was seeing another side to my mum and vice versa.

I got to school early and got some reading done, before I knew it, it was first period. I had English, then Drama, I calmly strolled to English and got myself situated. "Good morning Miss" I let out a nice solemn smile. She smiled back, "looks like someone's in a better spirit."

"Indeed, what are we doing today Miss." I took out my equipment.

"Tribute poetry." She stated.

"Oo that sounds fun, here this is a rewrite of my coursework in full and edited." I handed my coursework to her.

"thank you." I nodded politely.

Before the class began we had a.small prayer and then the class began. "write down the date and the title, today we will be writing tribute poems," our English teacher informed us.

"Who can tell me what a tribute poem." I raised my hand. " I believe a tribute poem, is a poem dedicated to someone, for example a person you love, your mum or dad." I answered.

"you took the words right out of my mouth Esther." I smiled in complacency. She gave out the sheets and told us to begin the task set.

Your task is to write a tribute poem, you are to use poetic devices and really think in detail about what you will write. I want this piece of work to be thoughtful yet adventurous. Feel free to be explorative in your writing.

I was going to was going to write it to my mum, but I wrote one to my father instead.

When I was small you was there,

my standover man watching over me like a lightly cast shadow.

You were always there for me,

At least that's what I thought.

I began to see you less often and sometimes you'd make an appearing act.

Your disappearing act was better though,

I never knew you were a magician and you were with those tricks.

The smell of strong cologne,

but soothing men's cologne no longer lingered in the air.

Now in the air was a smell of absence and apprehension.

I stopped there, I wasn't finished,but I stopped there. I didn't want it to seem like I was too into the task because next thing i know, I'll be crying. I was slightly overwhelmed with emotion that I didn't want. I wanted to detach myself from my emotions. Unfortunately, that was what made me human. I sat there just staring into space trying to control myself. Don't cry, don't you dare do it. A single tear filled down the side of my fair, brown cheek. You just had to didn't you, get yourself together man. I wiped my tears. I inhaled deeply, then exhaled. I hated showing emotion, to me it was the first sign of weakness and one thing I hated alongside being disrespected is coming off as weak.

I just couldn't, I just let go. My elbows were on the table and my hands covered my eyes. I cried silently, people didn't need to know nor did I want to disturb them.

I felt someone rub my shoulder. "Are you okay sweetie?" I looked up from my hands and shook my head while I mouthed no. If I spoke they'd hear it, they'd all hear it, my break down and they'd see my insecurities seethe out of me.

"Can I be excused please." I did not dare to say above a whisper. She nodded solicitously. She wrote a letter in my diary, I packed up my belongings so fast and flew out the door with tears streaming, pouring. I did not want to be seen. I sat in the toilets until the bell rang. When it rang I sat upright and embraced my knees, while I sat on the toilet.

I could hear the patter of feet and echo of voices or just made me want to dig a hole and curl up inside it. Sadly, I couldn't. Eventually, I would have to face someone.