Enough Strength For You

Start

5:00 am, every morning I wake up and go for a run. Doesn't matter what happened the day before, doesn't matter what my body feels like, doesn't matter how much rest I get, doesn't matter where I am (unless I've been kidnapped or being restrained from leaving...yes both happen to me).

Today is no different. I get up and put on my clothes and head out of the dorms at UA. I am always the first one up and it is really nice for me. My runs are the only thing constant in my life. Sorry, correction, my runs are the only good constant in my life. Believe me when I say there are other constants.

During my runs and while I am sleeping are the only times that my demons cease. I don't hear them yelling at me in my head. They don't ridicule me, they don't attack me, and they don't tell me the truth.

When I run I know that no matter what happens before or what happens after that I can always find peace when I run. It is pretty cool actually. No matter what happens, how beat up my body is because of my mom, or how much I hate myself, I know that on my runs my head will be empty and my body will be calm.

I usually run for about 45 minutes every day, after I get dressed and make sure to stretch a little and I get back at 6:00 am sharp every time.

I walk in through the front door of the dorm and see Ponytail making breakfast. She is usually the only one up every day when I get back and today is no different. I walk past her with a scowl on my face, trying not to look at her altogether. She doesn't say anything and it makes me a little happy that I don't have to interact with people until later in the day. I get up to my dorm and grab a towel and head to the bathroom. I try to finish up before the others wake up, but today my shower was longer than normal.

I walk out from the shower with the towel wrapped around my waist. My hands are in my hair as I walk to the fogged up mirror when I hear a voice I am all too familiar with.

"Yo Bakubro! I didn't know you would still be showering when I got up!"

"Tch. Whatever Shitty Hair. Just leave me alone."

"Hey watch the mouth man! That body is pretty manly Bakugo but you don't want to taint it with your foul mouth!"

As Kirishima says those words I quickly glare up at him, knowing full well that if anyone else had said that they would be fried meat by now, but since it is Kirishima he is not. I don't know why that is, but he seems to be the only one I'm somewhat okay with. He is the only one that can touch me or say stuff like that without being yelled at or attacked. "Shut it you ass. Just leave me alone."

I finish getting my hair ready and brush my teeth all the while Shitty Hair is in the mirror next to me and keeps nudging me with his elbow before he starts smiling or giggling.

"Knock it off already." I say before glaring at him as I leave the bathroom. I head up to my dorm and get ready for another day at school.

No one has noticed anything because I know how to hide my problems. I put up a wall, one that is angry and screams all of the time and never talks to anyone. It helps me keep people away now, and although it used it to get rid of my problems, now it just hides them. But I don't know how much longer they will be ignorant. I am trying to get better and to solve all of my problems, a little at a time, and in order to do that, I am going to have to stop acting fake and become who I want to be. That is sure to draw someone's attention, I am sure of it. Even if no one cares about me because of how "strong" I am, they will notice when I stop screaming and cussing and getting angry all the time. It is bound to make them start asking questions, so I need to come up with some good excuses now before I am put on the spot.

Look I get it. I am a dick. I have been a dick in the past and I know everyone hates me. I can't do anything about it and I am trying to accept it and get over it and to do that I am trying to become a better person. This path that I am on is not an easy one, but I know that if I want to live in this world, I need to walk it. I'm trying to get past my trauma, I am trying to overcome my fears and I am trying to become a better person, all in the hope that those that I hurt can maybe find a way to forgive me. I don't need to be friends with them, I don't really want to be, but I want them to know that I regret what I have done.

I already have a plan for the most part, I just have to carry it through, which can only happen if I start:

Don't scream, don't get angry, don't let others bother me. They are all nice people and I ruin everyone's time and day by being rude and grouchy and angry. I need to let them be who they want to be

Figure out a way to stop the demons in my head. They are screwing with me and even though what they are saying is true, I need them to stop. I won't be able to grow if they are constantly pulling me back.

Get away from my house. I am not sure where I would go or how I would do it, but I know I need to get away from my mom so that I can stop being abused.

Get over my trauma so it is no longer affecting me.

I don't know how I am going to do most of those steps and as I read them over again once I reach my room, they don't really make sense in the order that I have them listed. But that doesn't matter, it isn't about the order I complete them, it is about completing them. And that starts today.