The Academy of S.I.D.E.

No. 33: Happy Holi-Gays

"Good MORNING, sunshine sluts!"

Virgil and Roman let out twin groans of agony as the curtains were yanked open by Janus.

"What the fuck, man?" Virgil hissed. "Let us sleep in peace!"

"My eyes," Roman moaned, burying his head under a pillow. "My beautiful eyes have been burnt to a crisp. I'm blind."

"Oh, lighten up, boys!" Janus said, spinning around with a grin on his face. "Happy birthday to a dead Jewish kid who preached freedom and equality in life, got crucified as a result, and has had his words horribly misinterpreted and twisted to fit the bigoted agendas of religious fanatics who whitewash him in every incarnation! How are we doing?"

Virgil squinted at him. "That is... that is the most Janus way of describing Christmas."

"Thank you very much. Now!" Janus yanked the covers off of him. "Get up, get dressed, and get moving! We're having a holiday celebration-slash-birthday party in me and Remus's room, and it won't be complete without the star of the show and his boyfriend!"

"Last time I checked, I wasn't Jesus."

"You may not be Jesus, but as of about a week ago, you're sixteen," Janus reminded him. "We thought that instead of doing a birthday party and a holiday celebration, we could combine the two. And before you say anything, you get two presents from each of us---one for your birthday and one for Christmas."

Roman gasped and sat up. "Oh my gosh, that's right! I didn't think we'd be starting so early!"

Virgil pulled his covers back over him. "If you knew me at all, you wouldn't have forced me to get up early to celebrate."

"Shush and get your arse out of bed," Janus said. "Everyone's waiting for you, and I refuse to have this party postponed because the guest of honor is a lazy bitch."

"Fine, fine, fine," Virgil grumbled, getting up and trudging towards the bathroom. "There had better be coffee at this function."

.......

"Ah, good, you've arrived," Logan noted as Janus, Roman, and Virgil walked into the room. "We can officially start this gift-giving ceremony."

"Me and Ro brought the presents," Virgil said, holding up two bags. "I'm gonna hand out mine first, if that's okay with you."

"Nonsense, you're the birthday boy!" Janus exclaimed, sitting down next to Remus. "You receive your gifts before everyone else!"

"It's my birthday party, so I get to dictate the rules. And I'm going to give my gifts to everyone first."

"Well, what are you waiting for?" Roman asked.

Virgil dumped one of the bags onto the floor and started going through the pile. "Okay, Patton, you said that you were fine with whatever, so I made you this card. I hope that's okay."

"It's fine, kiddo!" Patton assured him, taking it. "It's the thought that counts." He squinted at it. "'You make me wanna die?'"

"Open it up," Virgil told him.

Patton opened it and let out a happy gasp. "'Of laughter?' Aw, Verge! That's so sweet!"

"Logan, you were pretty easy to get a gift for, since your wish list was literally the exact same as my dad's," Virgil continued, handing Logan something wrapped in blue. "I'm not even exaggerating. I just got two of the same thing and mailed one of them."

"I'm... not sure whether to be flattered or offended by that." Logan carefully unwrapped it. "Oh, The End of Everything! That's been on my list for years!"