Never Be

Chapter 21

Maybe I'm being a little too fussy about this. I mean, yeah there's lots of people who deal with this sort of stuff everyday, but I was always really close to Ash you know? And now I feel like we're falling apart. Just because of a guy.

We've never fought before, we've never been even close to fighting. Actually, now that I think of it, we have. Once. Over his new girlfriend Bianca. I remember, she'd always comment on what I looked like and what I was wearing and Ashton wouldn't do anything, he'd make me get out of his way.

I don't know, why, but maybe we just can't deal with each other having relationships. But Luke and I aren't even in a relationship, so I don't understand what Ashton is really worried about. I mean, it was just a kiss, nothing more, and I guess that was a friendly kiss...? I don't know, but either way, he did it first, I just answered back.

I was going back to the argument I had just had with my brother and was thinking what he thought I needed to apologize for, since I haven't really done anything. I mean, I've already said sorry about the whole "bee nest disaster", I don't see what else I've done. This is really confusing.

When I joined this tour, I thought I was gonna get time to spend with my brother to have some fun, I didn't think that time was gonna be spent screaming at each other throwing comments back and fourth though. I honestly didn't expect all that to happen. I think Ashton has a real problem.

I don't blame him for all of this though. Cancer people (people with the star sign cancer) have really bad mood swings. They could be really nice to you at one point and the next thing you know, they're being super mean or super sarcastic that you just can't take it anymore. Basically like a girl on her period, you don't wanna mess with them.

But, I'm not messing with him. Ashton isn't the guy everyone loves from "Pop-Rock Band Sensation 5 Seconds Of Summer" everyone knows. He puts on a face and a different attitude in front of cameras so that people don't call him rude or anything mean on media. (Not like they don't already).

Ashton's always been like that. Always still liked me, but sometimes pissed off at me. I got used to it, but it never got this far. I never ever thought I would be fighting with my brother THIS much. I honestly think its really unhealthy and bad for us to be fighting about these things. And I don't want Luke to get in the way of our perfect brother-sister relationship.

But I also don't want Ashton to get in the way of mine and Luke's - whatever this is - relationship.

Truth is that normally I wouldn't have to make a decision, because Ashton would like the guy or because he knew nothing was going on (Emma is my only girl-that-is-a-friend.) Because all of my other friends were boys, and it never occoured to me that one of them could potentially have a crush on me, because, let's be honest, I'm not THAT attractive. And even if I was, I wouldn't expect myself to fall for some guy I just met or one of my friends, cos that's not who I am.

But I fell for Luke.

And I know you shouldn't fall for someone, because when you fall you get hurt, and I think I'm feeling the pain Taylor Swift was describing right now, between me and my brother. Because now that I've fallen for Luke, Ashton is making me feel the pain I feel when I fall. Like a glass shard straight through my heart, breaking it in two.

I'm literally torn.

It actually physically hurts that Ashton thinks Luke's gonna be like Jason. And if he does, I don't understand why he would be friends with an abuser. I don't understand.

And the one thing that strikes me the most, isn't the fact that Ashton thinks Luke is gonna abuse me, its that Ashton didn't care about me waking up from the panic attack. At all. He didn't say anything, he didn't ask how I was doing, he didn't do anything any other high brother would've done. No. He asked what was going on.

And what I should've answered was:

I'll tell you what's going on. Luke cares about me. Do you care about me? I don't see you crying, I don't see you holding my hand and sitting next to me for two hour strait just waiting for me to wake up. I don't hear you asking how I am or what that was. Because tell you what, you were the one that made the panic attack start in the first place.

But I didn't. That's because I love my brother and I know how fragile he is. But he should love me enough to know what hurt me and what doesn't. But he hasn't shown that very grately lately. Because, I think its been almost three years I've passed without myself crying, and then I join the tour and BAM! I cry more than like three times in what? Two? three days?

And the bad thing is that in held hostage on this tour.

I'm not allowed to get off this tour for the next six months.

Six months.

Because my family has nowhere else to go and Lauren, Harry and my mom are all stranded in Sydney looking for a place to stay, while I'm here, with my brother who earns enough money to support mom and he doesn't do ANYTHING about it.

And what hurts me the most is that neither can I....