DreamSMP one-shots ||

// Mistake //

[SPOILER] Dont worry, this one has a happy emding :-)

(Tommy's pov)
TW/CW: Suicide attempt, depressive thoughts, mental breakdown
~

I stood on the edge of the netherbrick bridge/platform that had the hub portal on it. I tried to keep my gaze upwards, because I knew that if I looked down now I would back out of what I planned to do, as far below me was lava, and a lot of it.
The nether was hot as it is, and my anxiety didn't help; I was sweating bullets that mimicked the tears that fell from my face and down my cheeks.
I remembered how Ghostbur would sit with me in my tent at the end of each day, and he'd ask me one question: 'If you could describe your feelings right now in one word, what word would you pick?'
I would usually say something along the lines of tired, or sad, or lonely. And then he would give me blue dye, even though it never truly sucked all the sad out of me like he said it would.
If I could describe myself right now, I would say... broken.
I'd lost everything. I'd lost my things, my home, my friends, my dignity. I was dressed in torn clothing that I never change out of, for fuck's sake. I wasn't taking care of myself, I was barely eating or sleeping as it is. I just didn't care anymore.
I was supposed to be the funny, happy, confident one here, so what the hell happened to me?
I scoffed at myself. I'm alone.
Dream was gone, and Ghostbur was back in L'Manburg. If I wasn't actually alone before, in this moment I really was.
I recognized the feeling of something pushing against my thigh in my pocket, and pulled it out to reveal the compass that Ghostbur had given me just last night. Engraved on the inside, it said 'Your Tubbo'.
I realized, he isn't 'My Tubbo'. Not anymore, anyway.
He doesn't care about me. Thinking back on his words the day of my exile, it seems as though he never really did. I dont blame him, I mean, I'm me. Who would ever truly care about me?
I placed the compass in my back pocket, and turned back towards the angry orange lava. My breathing hitched, as it hypnotized me, whispering for me to come and swim in it. It would only hurt for a little bit, then it will be over. I just need this heavy feeling in my chest gone. I need the hurt to stop.
I closed my eyes. A deep breath in, a deep breath out. And then-
"Tommy?" A voice asked.
I snapped my eyes open, quickly spinning around to see who had stepped through the portal.
Low and behold, it was him.
Tubbo. I hadn't seen him in weeks.
"T-Tommy.. What are you-" He went to take a step forward but I stopped him.
"Dont- dont fucking move! I- I'll jump! I- I- I dont care anymore!" I yelled, stepping away from him a bit.
"Wh... Tommy what.... What are you doing, big man?" Tubbo's voice was soft. I didn't realize how much I missed it, but at this moment I couldn't let him stop me. Just because he was here, didn't mean I hadn't made up my mind. It didn't mean that he cared about me, I had a plan, and I was going to go through with it whether he was here or not.
"SHUT UP!" I yelled, another tear slipping down my cheek. "SHUT THE HELL UP! DONT CALL ME THAT!"
Tubbo flinched, concern washing over his expression. "Tommy, just- just listen okay?"
I shook my head at him. "No. No, you dont care about me. You're the reason I'm here in the first place, you never cared." I said, my tone low and filled with anger and sadness.
"Tommy that's not true-" Tubbo wined, his eyes now glazed with tears of his own.
"IT IS TRUE!" I screamed. "You- you were supposed to be my best friend, Tubbo." My voice quivered, but I didn't care.
"You were supposed to be.. be my Tubbo." I said, looking back towards the lava.
"Tommy, I- I had no choice." He said as I looked back at him.
"You know damn well you had a choice." I said coldly, pausing for a moment. "Whatever, it doesn't matter anymore. I don't matter anymore." I said, feeling numb.
"Tommy please... please don't jump.." Tubbo cried.
"Just leave me to die, it's no different than what you did weeks ago." I said.
I turned my back to him, ready to go, ready to be done. But before I could do it, someone wrapped their arms around me and yanked me back.
"STOP! LET GO!" I struggled to get out of the person's grip, but they were far stronger than me. It felt like I wasn't really there, like everything was fake and I was floating above and watching myself down below. Someone was crying, but it wasn't the person that was now restricting my arms and trying to keep me away from my fate.
Suddenly, I was brought back to reality and I was aware of my surroundings. My breathing was heavy and I began to panic, and I felt like I was about to pass out.
My legs gave out from under me and I fell to the ground, the person holding me tight following suit.
"Breathe, Tommy. Just breathe." The person said. Dream.
No no no no no no. He only saved me to keep me here, to torture me more. I dont want to stay here, I cant take it anymore. My life's gone to shit, I just want to die. Please just let me die. Please just let me die.
"No! It's not fair! I don't want to be here anymore!" I sobbed, bowing my head.
"Tommy..." Tubbo was now kneeling in front of me as I tried to catch my breath. His voice calmed me, and I had forgotten for half a second how horrible he had made me feel.
He reached out carefully, using the fingers of his right hand under my chin to lift my head up and meet his eyes. His face was red and blotchy, I'd almost forgotten what he looked like up close like this. Dare I say it, I missed him.
Dream was still holding on to me tight. Tubbo positioned his hand so he was cupping my left cheek, his thumb brushing away my tears softly.
I looked at him with great sadness, I knew he felt it too.
"Tommy, you cant go so soon. I need you, Tommy." Tubbo said through a shaky voice.
"What.. what do you mean?" I asked quietly.
"Dream and I talked, we made an agreement." Tubbo paused. "I gave up the presidency, I gave up L'Manburg. You're coming back and you're staying with me." He said.
I couldn't believe my ears. Surely he hadn't just said what I thought he did, maybe I was going crazy.
"What? You- you gave up L'Manburg? WHY?" I asked.
"Tommy! Tommy-" He placed both his hands on my shoulders. "I made a mistake, Tommy. I never should've given you up for L'Manburg. I care about you so much more."
I still couldn't believe him. My eyes searched his face for something that would tell me he was lying, or just messing with me.
He was being serious.
"Let him go, he's okay." Tubbo said, and Dream unwrapped his arms from around me.
I lunged forward, hugging the shorter boy.
"You.. you mean it?" I asked into the crook of his neck.
"More than anything. I miss you so much, Tommy. Please come back, dont do this, I'm begging you." Tubbo said, resting his head on my shoulder.
I pulled my head back to look at him and nodded, slightly laughing through more tears. I couldn't believe this is real.
"You will?" Tubbo asked hopefully, and I nodded again with a small smile.
"Of course I will." I hugged him once again tighter than I ever have before, never wanting to let go again.