A Little Hope

33. Push

"Feels like we're on the edge right now
I wish that I could say I'm proud
I'm sorry that I let you down."
~NF

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Savannah's POV
Gabriel eyed us and his face went red with anger. He came up to Sebastian and punched him, causing him to fall back against the wall and gripping his face. He turned to me and threw the dress at me and yelled, "Get dressed, Savannah. We're leaving."

Quietly, I got up and did as I was told. I looked at Sebastian and felt longing. I still loved him just as much and I realized nothing would ever change that. I wanted to go to him and tell him that I was his and that I would forever be his. Gabriel grabbed my hand though and pleaded with me, "Savannah. Get dressed."

I looked at his face and realized what he was begging me to do. He wanted me to cut the strand that bound Sebastian and me together. I held onto a piece of it and never truly let it go. I would have to erase him from myself completely to break off his hold onto me. The only problem is that I wasn't sure if I wanted to break it off.

I thought back to that first day Sebastian brought me home with him. I had just been beaten up by Justin right after being raped by my father. I was lost and alone. Sebastian was the one to pick me up and make me whole again. He saw the broken pieces and welded them back together. I would never be brand new again but he made me feel like I was repaired at least a bit.

I loved the fact that despite me pushing him away for months on end, he still wanted me to come back. I could the longing in his eyes and I knew he would never give up on me. I could be as damaged as a shattered plate and he would still always come back wield me back together again.

Everyone else would leave when they saw my flashbacks. They would throw their hands into the air and say they don't know how to help me. Sebastian would sit and stay with me. He would love me unconditionally. No matter how many times I left him or much I hurt him, he would always be right there waiting for me.

There was some sick part of me that loved that about him. That unconditional love he had. When you don't feel love at all from your parents, the moment someone gives you an ounce of it, you take it and run it with it. Imagine that but instead of an ounce, they give an entire ton of it. You revel in that love and bathe in it. You don't see the sun anymore to keep you grounded. You're so hyper fixated on their stars that you become lost in space and suddenly you're not on your planet anymore and you don't recognize yourself.

When my father violated me, he violated my soul. My soul was damaged and even though Sebastian put it back together again, it would never be fully healed. I would continue to hurt Sebastian as my subconscious tested him time and time again to see if he did love me. I loved pushing him away because I loved to see him chase me. This was why I had to leave. If I couldn't leave for myself, I would for his sake.

I needed to cut this cord of codependency we created so that way he could find someone less damaged and someone who could make him genuinely happy. Tears brimmed my eyes as I made my decision. I got dressed and caressed Sebastian's face one last time before I said goodbye forever.

Gabriel grabbed my hand gently and took me away with Sebastian left standing there, staring at the wall with such emptiness. I saw myself in him that first day he saved me. Lost, broken, and alone. He had kept his promise to me. He didn't let anyone hurt me. He had taken all my pain and transferred it to himself. He sacrificed so much and gave me his happiness. He learned how to be a caregiver to me. He loved me despite everything.

And here I was abandoning him.

Gabriel could sense the tears falling and he hugged me tightly. He rubbed my back and whispered in my ear, "Shhh, it's okay. This is for the best. You two aren't healthy. You won't get better if he's near."

I nodded softly in defeat. He gave a small smile and tucked a small strand of hair behind my ear and said, "I'll tell you what. My father has a manor in France. It's secluded. There are no neighbors for miles. There are only trees and animals to keep you company. We could be there tomorrow if you just say the word."

I looked back in the direction of Sebastian and let it sink in. The picture of his brokenness. I did that to him. It was like Dad said. There was evil in me and I just spread it to everyone. My mother knew and that's why she killed herself, so she could avoid being responsible for the damage I would to others. It was time I took accountability for my mistakes. I needed to rectify them.

"Okay," I mumbled.

Gabriel stared at me in shock and asked, "Wait, what?".

"I'll go with you to France."

He got excited and started to ramble, "Oh Savannah, I'm glad. You're going to love it. There are so many things-".

"I have two conditions though," I interrupted him.

He kissed me softly and said, "Anything."

"First, we don't tell anybody. Not even Jasmine or Rue. Second, we don't just visit, we stay there permanently."

Gabriel halted and asked, "Savannah, are you sure? You can't just make a life-altering decision like that in the snap of a second."

"I'm sure. It's like you said. I can't heal fully if he's near. I need permanent space."

Gabriel nodded in agreement and said, "Alright, I'll just make a quick call to my dad and we will be on the first plane out of here tomorrow morning."

I nodded and he kissed my forehead before leading me out of the Galla and into the limousine outside that would take us home. I caught a glimpse of Rue and Jasmine dancing and my heart ached as I would be leaving my two best friends forever now. I had to remind myself I was doing this for Sebastian. I was no good for him and he needed someone better for him. He needed someone like Lilith.

I knew I was right when I saw him crying into her lap outside on the steps. She stroked his hair and comforted him. She was doing all the things I was incapable of doing. Lilith was to Sebastian how he was to me. I knew it was only a matter of time before he would give up and learn to love her the way I learned to give Jasmine up and love him. Karma gave me this one as I watched the same scenario played out, except this time I was Jasmine and I knew by leaving I was giving him up.

All I wanted was for him to be happy. If my leaving helped him do that, then I would gladly go through the pain of doing so thousand times over. So this was it. I gave him one last glimpse before saying goodbye to the stars I got lost in. From here on out, I would venture into this dark universe alone until I found my sun that would take me back home.

Goodbye Sebastian.

Goodbye Daddy.

I loved you then.

I love you now.

I will love you forever.