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-I can't tell which chapter is first because you have an ever little short story in it and also explaining hi. -I feel like you should have a welcome chapter WITHOUT the short story because I think it can confuse readers. -And then looking at your short story names, I feel like they need to be something more unique (and I'm talking about the first few ones) because they seem like names I've seen many times before for chapter names. -Since I am confused about what chapter is the first chapter, I'll just go to the second chapter since the first chapter just welcomes you.
Chapter 1 Notes:
-At the beginning of the story, I see you overusing words. Like, normal and sick. Maybe look up synonyms for them? -You need to describe more of the pain when she's running because you need to be careful of details. If there's a lack of them, people are going to be confused and the story isn't going to flow as well. -I think she should have more emotion when she's running. Like, I think someone in that situation would feel fear. The mood in this short story is just her in a kind of determined state instead of being fearful about it. -I want to know more about the situation for the girl. Why is her family sick? Why are they an illusion? -I do think, however, this is one of the best short stories I have ever read. Saying that, just because it's a short story, doesn't make it a story! You need the same requirements as a regular story since you're doing so many in one book. Good luck!
Chapter 2 Notes:
-In the first paragraph, you used tent a little too much. There are other words in place for tent like, portable house (I know it's a terrible one). -With short stories, it's my opinion we get context for what is happening in the story. As I was reading this chapter, I was confused about what the purpose of the two of them were in the camp. -Details are important, so make sure to include them! -If a man was coming in or unzipping her bathing tent, I think someone would yell that someone was in the tent USING it. -I love how she didn't read the tent number. This is something that would happen to me! -The phrase,"You had to take Yayha's job" doesn't need to be used three times! Comes up with another way to phrase it. -In this short story, you need to explain who the different people are because we don't know them at all! You link actions to a person's name and I don't seem to know if Ali did anything in this chapter.
Chapter 3 Notes:
-I think you should go into why she's worrying so back. Getting some context always helps. -The main character (or the person speaking in first-person point of view) should have been introduced first hand. This person just popped up suddenly. -Instead of saying thanks was on the tip of her tongue, it would have been better to just put it in dialogue form.
Chapter 4 Notes:
-Off the bat, I liked how you put a disclaimer for self-harm and triggering warnings. It's always best to put those warnings and I applaud you for doing so. -Also, nice paragraphs for helping people with their depression! I'm not going to give pointers on them because they don't need any but I think you should make a book just for people reaching out to you for help. I feel like you could do nicely at that! -When the main character is cutting herself...I think you need to describe if there's any pain or if she regrets it at all.
Chapter 5 Notes:
-Since it is a book I think you need to explain what a ghararah is and the other clothing in the picture without having the picture. If this was a PUBLISHED book, the picture wouldn't be there. -You need to explain first hand who Zaina is because we don't know who she is even when you mention her. -Without explaining who everyone is and the context behind what's going on, I'm totally confused. -Details are also important so make sure to include those when writing.
Chapter 6 Notes:
-When you say no matter how much makeup I caked onto my face, it looks like you forgot to finish your sentence. I suggest changing the wording of that or finishing the sentence if you forgot to. -Don't start off three paragraphs with I hate sleeping, change up your wording a bit to keep it -Instead of repeating blue, use some other words meaning blue. Like ocean-like eyes or crystal eyes. Be creative! -Not every sentence needs to be its own paragraph. I suggest grouping up the sentences into paragraphs. -If someone doesn't sleep for a certain amount of months, they would die.
Chapter 7 Notes:
-I think someone before running out into the town would actually get dressed. -The sentence, little did I know, sounds incomplete. -If she said he looked so much taller, I think she wouldn't trust him and follow him. That's just what I think though. -I like the ending of this short story! It's really good, and now I want a whole different story for this one.
Chapter 8 Notes:
-So when there's a conversation with two people, it's to introduce both of them. I know you introduced Siliva right out of the gate, but a two way conversation you need the names of two people -Why in the world would she murder her own son after talking to his father? I felt like this short story happened a little too fast for my liking.
Chapter 9 Notes:
-Second and third paragraphs can go together, they don't have to be separated. -Instead of saying so much of work to do, it should be much work to do. Remember, grammar is everything in a story. -The first half is relatable! Making your stories relatable helps the reader know what the character is going through. -We need to know who Adam is. Is he her husband? Friend? Brother? We don't know unless you tell us when you mention his name. -If the story involves her husband, like the main plot of it, I suggest saying that first hand instead of waiting to almost the end of the chapter. -Don't repeat He hadn't looked so many times. Word it differently each time. -I feel so bad for the wife in this instance. Good job with the emotion in this story!
Chapter 10 Notes:
-I didn't really like the 2nd person point of view just because I didn't know who YOU was. If we don't know who the two people are, it's hard to imagine the story. It's even harder finding out their relationship with each other. -Other than that, wonderful short story!
