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-The first thing I see is that the chapter name has different capitalizations. -I feel like information about their life is being told too quickly at one time. You don't want to give away a lot of things too quickly, you got to make it smooth. -In the first paragraph, you got a few run-on sentences, meaning you could have two sentences instead of one. -When writing your chapters, I suggest instead of just starting on the next line, do it like this:
Start here instead so it doesn't cramp up together! -You missed periods in some places. -Some capitalization issues, not too bad. -I think things went a little too fast, but don't feel bad about it because everyone improves!
Chapter 2 Notes:
-When it comes to chapter titles, all of the words need to be capitalized. -Same thing with indenting your paragraphs, you need to skip two lines, not one to start writing the next paragraph. -Instead of say in the second paragraph, but said. It's past tense as if she's telling the story. -Work on grammar a little bit, -You're introducing all this new information about her and everything that is coming up a little sudden. Introduce the new information smoothly and slowly, don't just blatter it out. -Dialogue is in a different paragraph, not the same one as the descriptions. -Capitalize is important, don't put it in the wrong spots please.
Chapter 3 Notes:
-Your first paragraph is just one long run-on sentence. -You need more details, I can tell it's fanfic just because of the lack of details. (I'm sorry.) -Everything's happening too fast and I don't know what's happening in the story. -You have some capitalization issues in this chapter. -It feels like you have two different worlds here and it's really confusing me in more ways than one. -The weird burst of information isn't needed. I suggest having it to where you make situations that aren't that surprising that leads to the new information if that makes any sense. -Making sure your readers and audience aren't confused by your wording is really important. In a lot of places (and I'm not just talking about this chapter) -You don't need so many time skips in here. -Also, this is a fanfiction, a romance story between a real-life character X the reader. I'm barely getting anything from the character we're supposed to be attracted to.
Chapter 4 Notes:
-The chapter title must be capitalized. -We have some more capitalization issues in this chapter. -Work on your grammar. I suggest using Grammarly, it's a big help! -I'm confused about what is happening in this story, you didn't explain what was going to happen beforehand so I feel like other readers would be confused too. -We need more details in this chapter as well as the others before it. -I don't think anyone would go to that scale of violence just because someone talked bad about someone. -The girl going back to life is confusing. -More details.
Chapter 5 Notes:
-If someone died and I loved them and they so happened to come to life, I wouldn't believe it. I don't think you should have your character believe that to be honest. -Work on the grammar please and thank you. -Instead of using btw, put by the way. Someone doesn't randomly say btw in a conversation. -This chapter doesn't make any sense to me regarding her talking to this boy. -If this was a published book, it wouldn't have emojis in it. I suggest taking them out.
