Looking for a place to get honest feedbacks and improvement tips on your story? Want to know what readers think of your story?
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(Note: The review has been given according to the number of chapters requested by the author)
Cover (1/10):
The cover isn't eye-catchy, at all. I don't understand the concept of using ocean as a background. A lot of space has been left which can be utilized very nicely. The font of the title is good but placement and size- not at all. I saw the cover you have used in Inkitt which is much better than the one here (even though there is one problem with it). I strongly suggest you to use that cover or ask a designer to make one for you. Also, the author's name you have used for yourself isn't coming out professional at all. It is looking like you have chosen random block letters and placed them together on the cover just like that. Use your username
Title (2/10):
It is not going with the book's main genre. If the novel was only Teen Fiction, then yes, it is going with it. When you first read a book's title, it gives us the idea of what genre it will be and yours didn't reflected that. I first thought maybe it was me only who was thinking this way so I asked some of my friends to give lend me their thoughts. Their answer was also same as mine— the title is giving Romance/YA/Teen Fiction vibes. So I suggest you to please change your title.
Description (6/10):
The dialogue added is very nice. Nice enough to irk the mind of a reader. But I think this phrase 'the whole story-and why?' should be worded like 'the whole story. And why?' this as it is giving more sense of it. The first para is same as the dialogue— nice and intriguing. It is not giving away information about what all is there in it or anything like that. But, the last para has problem. First of all, there was no need to divide it. You could've simply started it up with 'Eleven years later...' by making it as a new paragraph. Secondly, it isn't like the first two paragraphs. It isn't leaving me wondering on what is will happen in the story. Its like you are giving me a short summary of the story, like the ones asked in school for students to write. There was no need to ad about Selena and Sandy. You could've kept it a secret for readers to figure out. Please note all these things and make changes in the description.
Grammar (8/10):
Your grammar is amazing! I rarely found any mistakes. But there are punctuation errors in very few lines and in some places, I found unnecessary words or missing. Look out for these things, otherwise good job!
Presentation (7/10):
Very well presented but at many places, I don't know if you did it on purpose or forgot to break it, there were very long paragraphs. Very long. I found hard to read because of its length. It was like never ending. I don't know which device you use but I'm on laptop so I read the chapters from there. When I'm reading all those long paragraphs from a big screen, imagine how mobile users will read it. It is bound that any person will sleep reading it. Please break the paras into short ones. I liked that you are naming your chapters but in one or two titles, comma was missing. Like 'New World New Life' could've been written as 'New Word, New Life' and 'Two Sisters One Secret' can be 'Two Sisters, One Secret'.
Writing Style (5/10):
Wow! Your writing is amazing! The starting line totally tricked me into thinking about them under attack. It is so polished and professionally written that it's like reading a published novel. But here is where the problem arises. From what I have observed, there are more teenagers then adults and since its subgenre is teen fiction, many teenagers won't read it. The writing will attract more adults to read the book and not teenagers as there are many who are not good in English or English not being their first language so some will find it difficult to understand it. On the top, there are very difficult terminologies used and then long paragraphs too, making it not enjoyable for a teen to read it. Go easy on the words you are using. At some places, things were over described. There was no need of highly describing a small action or a place. Describe the actions more rather than the surrounding. I hope you get me.
Characters (15/20):
The characters are strong and independent. The powers given to the triplets portray them very nicely. The attributes told about them can be seen wonderfully too. But I didn't see much of Crystal. She should be shown equally like Marisabel and Kalama throughout the chapters. I mainly saw the latter girl and not the first one. And honestly to say, Kalama is a lot shining out more than the other girls. And like when Kalama and Crystal fight and Marisabel gets in between, the situation is same here too. Keep the girls on a single pedestal and show them a lot more. You can write chapters in their POV which will help in recognising the girls more.
Plot (14/20):
The plot is cliché. Almost every mermaid book I've come across, in general, it is the same storyline. But still you have managed to present your work originally and differently very nicely. You have also presented everything good in the narrator's POV. But the plot is very slow moving. I can't see it going anywhere. Maybe you could've spiced up more about why Marisabel and Kalama wants to become a mermaid again, it would have been more engaging. And the sleepover party also put it up slower too. You could've done something else with it. These are just my opinions. You are the author; you know your book better than me.
Overall (58/100):
The book is definitely one to read, but needs a lot of changes. It grasps attention of the reader slowly but is worth someone's time. Ease up a little bit on the language and be free with your writing. Please not all the things I have mentioned and I am sure you will become a successful author one day.
Thank You.
Tips: I saw the pinterest board you have made for each MC. I think you should make aesthetics using those pictures so that it will be easier for the readers to know more about the three girls and imagine them in the way you have shown in the aesthetic.
